Deeda

The Book of Nonsense
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2003-06-08 05:16:24 (UTC)

Not talking...

Well, I suppose that David's mad at me for not calling
for two days. He isn't talking to me. I wish he'd
understand that there's no one else in the world that I'd
rather talk to.
I love him so much, I wish he wouldn't get so mad at
me, everytime that he does I'm just so afraid that that's
going to be the end of us. The thought of losing him frightens
me more than anything and it just completely tears me up
inside.
I really wish that he didn't know that I cry because
of it, but I also won't keep anything from him. But when we
have a fight I can't help but cry, it hurts me so much to
think of the possibility of losing him. He is absolutely
everything to me. Sometimes when I'm crying (like right
now), I wonder if it makes him feel better to know that
he's hurting me, I wonder if it's his way of getting back
at me.
I know he hates when I say this but I would kill
myself if it would please him, anything to make him happy,
anything at all. Something was mentioned about him thinking
that I might've been hurt but I don't know if I believe
that. If I had been hurt enough to go to the hospital my
dad would have to call my mom and I know my mom would call
his mother, she did it last time something had happened to
me (which had happened, of course, out of my own stupidity).
The only reason I didn't call is because I couldn't.
Both days we went to the auction barn (or the sale barn,
which ever you prefer to call it) and by the time I got
home and had finished helping with the animals here, it was
already too late for me to call. I'm not allowed to make
calls past nine here.
I know he won't listen to me, but I still try, I love
him too much not to try. I guess fate just has it in for me
or something. The only good thing fate has done was bring
us back together and now I think fate is just being cruel.
I don't know what I've done to anger fate so much as to
threaten to take the one I love most away from me again.
I wish he'd just listen and simply talk to me. Just at
least try to work things out and let both of us get our
points across.
I love him so much and he just can't understand why I
cry when he's mad at me, it just hurts me so terribly much
that sometimes I wish he'd just kill me and get it over
with but I want to keep trying, I still have faith that he
might still love me, that he'll hopefully try me again, try
to work it out and keep going on.
I must be a cat and his love must be a string. His
love is dangled in front of my face and as soon as I think
I've grasped it, the string is jerked away from the cat and
the cat is left jumping and pouncing and reaching, trying
so hard to obtain the string again, sometimes successfully,
and sometimes with only a grain of hope. But my love for
him keeps me trying, keeps me from losing that last bit of
hope. I only wish I knew...


Quote of the Entry:
The truth always hurts when it comes from the one you
love most, especially when the truth is "I don't love you"

Why is it that I have to climb a million mountains to
get to you but all you have to do is smile to get to me?


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