blueswede

feeling better does not imply any confidence

It seems like I haven't gotten any feedback lately. Usually
I end up with some feedback every few entries, but that just
isn't happening lately. Anyway, to anyone reading, feedback
is more than welcome. Though I've no use for hostility, so
if you don't have anything constructive to offer, then don't
bother. Save us both some trouble. Nonetheless, advice and
commentary are welcome, and usually prove helpful.

Now, with that out of the way, I'll move on. I'll be doing
a little experiment during this entry. A lot of users here
post the song they're listening to as they write. I always
take forever doing these things, so I thought I'd see just
how many songs I can get through in one entry.

We'll start with:
Steely Dan - My Old School

For the first time in weeks, I managed to fall asleep last
night without much trouble. I still ended up sleeping much
too late, but hey, I was tired. It's kind of strange, being
able to fall asleep easily once again. Up until recently I
was really shook up about my social life (or lack thereof),
which would explain most of it. After that I was probably
just too wired to fall asleep easily. But for the life of
me I can't explain why I was suddenly able to sleep. Maybe,
just maybe, I'll have the same success tonight.

Dr. Hook & the Medicine Men - Cover of the Rolling Stone

So many of the recent improvements seem to be stemming from
that dream I had recently (see last post for details; and I
am not referring to the one about planes). It seems quite
odd that some product of my subconscious would lead to such
a positive change in my mental state. Usually it works the
other way around, and I just bring myself further down.

Peter Gabriel - Blood of Eden

Whatever the reason for its effect on me, I'm really happy
that it has turned out so well. But I really need to try to
find out what exactly caused it, so that I might be able to
reproduce the effect later on. Still, it's very difficult
to even attempt to pin down.

It seems ridiculous that just the dream itself, the notions
it presented, would have such a profound effect on me. Then
again, I was in a pretty bad state when it happened. So it
is entirely possible that just the prospect of meeting some
girl who actually found me attractive and was into the same
things as me triggered some sort of uplifting response. And
yes, that was basically the subject of my dream, and no, it
was not at all of a sexual nature. Is it even possible for
your emotions to be influenced by dreams like that? Perhaps
I should consult someone who can interpret dreams.

Cat Stevens - Peace Train

So now I've got a renewed sense of well-being. I'm not sure
if you'd really call it optimism, but I do have a feeling in
the back of my mind somewhere that things are looking up for
me, and maybe someday soon I'll be living more the kind of
life I've been wanting.

The Refreshments - Mexico

I'm not sure where my life's going right now, save for a few
upcoming travels and my return to college in the fall. But
I do have a feeling that things are going to get better, and
I think I'll start noticing a change pretty soon. Actually,
the change already seems to be happening: I'm feeling a lot
more confident, about my exercise plan and other goals, and
also about my social aptitude.

Skipped: The Refreshments - Banditos
Current: Joe Kraemer - Car Talk
Next : Richard Kyanka - Lie Upon Lie
Now : White Stripes - Hotel Yorba

Three short songs in a row. Wow. Back to the topic...

I don't think I'm quite ready to embark on the social phase
of the Dave Improvement Plan, at least not yet. I'd like to
lose at least another ten pounds before I try doing anything
bold. After all, if I'm going to be trying to meet women my
age, I'll need to put my best foot forward (and not have it
followed immediately by my gut).

Steely Dan - Doctor Wu

So I think for now I'll just stick to working out, maybe try
again to learn how to skateboard, hang out with the friends
I have in town, and see where things go. Given the relative
ease I've had losing weight, I'm thinking the hardest aspect
of my plan is going to be the social part. I've never been
especially good at it; a combination of poor perception and
a massive lack of self-confidence can be pretty deadly when
it comes to that sort of thing.

The Refreshments - King of the Hill Theme

But who knows. Maybe if the physical aspects of my plan are
highly successful, I'll either get the confidence I need, or
I won't have to bother developing any. It would be nice if
I were successful enough that women took the initiative, but
I'm not sure that's going to happen.

Mark Knopfler - Sands of Nevada

If, however, the plan comes together, and I do end up losing
40 pounds by summer's end, and I remain unsuccessful when it
comes to dating and the like, then I'm going to have to step
back and take a serious look at my life. If I can lose that
much weight and still be repulsive, then something is quite
seriously wrong.

Ending: Handel - Sonata in F Major
Now : Talking Heads - Girlfriend is Better

It would be a damn shame if I spent all that effort and got
nowhere. Though I probably would feel a whole lot better.
Still, this whole thing was motivated mostly by a desire to
change the way my life was going, and less so by any desire
to feel better or improve my health. That may seem foolish,
and it may very well be a foolish motivation, but it's what
I had at the time I made this decision.

It would be quite discouraging to get my weight back under
control and then discover that my personality also sucks.

The experiment is a success, and we end with:
The Refreshments - Take the Skinheads Bowling

This is Dave, signing off

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