And just when I thought things couldn
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2003-06-07 06:22:38 (UTC)

Nothing clever

I'm not creative enough to draw, nor am I talented enough
to write poetry or write songs, or really anything for that
matter. Do you ever feel like even if you had one single
talent, you could never use it because the people you are
around all the time make you feel worthless?

I'm not clever. I just try to be honest. I'm really
struggling right now with a lot of stuff. I don't
understand my friends. I make a huge effort to get us
close again but no one reponds. I try to laugh and have
fun but they make fun of me all the time. I can't really
do anything but look like I'm unhappy in front of them,
because I think that's what they thrive on.

I'm tired of guys, one in particular. I'm tired of making
an effort to make things right and then getting lead on for
a while and then shot down once again. I'm tired of my
friends acting like junior highers around him. Just be
real people please.

I'm so tired of getting replaced. And I'm tired of have
trials. I wish God would just stop it. Really. I know I
shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I want bad
things to stop happening to me! I can't take it anymore.
I couldnt write out a list of a million things that keep
happening to me..and about one good.

I wish people would appreciate me. I just want to feel
like I'm wanted somewhere, by someone. Even if I'm not, I
just wish there was someone who did, even when I'm in my
worst of moods. This year has sucked big time. I'm so
glad it's over, yet I'm not because it's summer time..and
that means hanging out with my friends...and I've been
dreading that recently. But if I don't then I just sit
around by myself..which doesn't seem like a bad a idea
considering I always get made fun of by them, or they are
completely rude or hurtful.

I'm trying so hard not to be sarcastic. I'm tired of it.
But it's so hard to not be when everyone you hang out with
is. Especially to me. I just want a best friend. That's
all I want.

I want to be selfish so badly. But I know I can't. I'm
tired of everyone talking about the new cars their parents
are buying them. Tundra or Jetta? Hmm..such a tough
choice. Hey, uhh..I'll take a tractor if you're willing to
give it to me. I'm sick of being poor. Especially when
everyone else has a lot of money. It's annoying. And I
know it shouldnt bother me but it does.

I'm sick of being lazy. I'm tired of being retarded. But
most of all I'm tired of being so mad. I dont even know
why I am..I just cant help it. I'm tired of everyone,
including myself, being mean. I just wish we could be
Authentic Christians and be NICE. I swear..I go home
practically crying after everytime I am with my friends.

I just need God, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it.
I just need a miracle..or something to relieve all the
stress, all of my back problems...everything.

And I just need a friend.

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