I think that's what bothers me the most...is that I can
hate her and know how manipulative she is and how ignorant
she can be to others and yet I can't help but want her
approval, her love, her friendship...and that pisses me
off. How DARE she make me feel this way. And even
now...whenever she emails me, I get excited...and then
depressed when it's something for 4H or whatever. Like
today, I haven't talked to her for like 4 or something
days and she finally emails today (and I'll see her
tomorrow) and asks how things are going...but it's all
point form...like "How are things at GW's?
Having fun in the mud? See you later, ...like no warmth or familiarity there...so instead
of making me feel better, she just makes me depressed
again...like if she had emailed a happy email I would
assume she's sucking up cuz of those nasty surveys I sent
her and the fact that I might be of service to her
tomorrow (though that's why I think she emailed me at
all ) and if she hadn't I would have been pissed cuz she
obviously doesn't care either way about me...
Life sux right now...I'm not sleeping, I have no drive to
do anything...I'm not happy with my life but I'm not sad
either...I just exist right now...