Visions Of Life
2003-06-05 20:23:38 (UTC)

Scedule Overload

I feel like I am losing my mind. My life is going so
wonderfully yet I feel so unstable. I have so much going on
this month and although it is all wonderful, I do not like
my schedule being so filled up that I have to schedule in
free time.

In the past week my moods have been fluctuating too much.
Last night for example, we argued briefly. It was nothing.
Him being frustrated because I’m so stressed and bitchy and
didn’t want to play. I completely flipped out and started
beating myself and slapping myself. Then I went into the
bathroom and tried to throw up my dinner but was
unsuccessful (I have never been able to make myself throw
up. I used to use ipetac syrup.. *shutter*) Anyways, at
least I am not cutting but I was completely out of control
and remained that way till steve dragged me out of the
bathroom, into the bedroom and held me till I stopped
crying. If I don’t work out both morning and night I panic.
If people are late, I panic. If I eat, I panic. Etc. I’m an
emotional unstable wreck.

I’m oversexed. Which is a bad thing. When I finally have
time to do nothing I want to spend my time alone doing mind-
numbing things. I want to spend time with Steve also but
not all of my free time. I feel like I have to make every
single person happy even if it means I’m miserable. I’m
excited for this month but I know scheduling all my b-day
stuff with family is going to be stressful because I’m very
busy and my mom is already upset I’m spending my b-day with
Steve instead of my family. And I need to work in skydiving
somewhere but the days I want to do it, Steve doesn’t
because we will be out late the night before and he wants
to sleep. I told him Id just go alone and show him the
video which pissed him off since me going is my b-day
present from him. I’m a bit testy right now. I can’t
continue trying to satisfy every single person. I feel like
a failure because no matter what I do, someone is always
unsatisfied. And I feel guilty when all Steve wants is to
hold me and tell me he loves me and how much he wants to
marry me and I’m trying to get away so I can be alone. I
love being held but I get absolutely no time alone at home
anymore. On weekends I have a chance to be alone but I help
my parents out with cleaning and babysitting just because I
feel I owe them a lot. I know I’m bitching. I only have
wonderful things to look forward to and shouldn’t be so
upset. Maybe I’m just going through one of my more severe
manic-depressive phases. Normally Steve can keep me
centered but he also has his own problems to deal with. Now
I am at the point where I am rambling so I will stop
writing for now