imationzim

for show and tell
2003-06-05 06:49:01 (UTC)

Wintertime

My back hurts. But I lean too forward all the time, anyway.

I feel something, but I don't know what. I think it's
bewilderment mixed with inset anger and sadness. And a
deep, fateful understanding of something. It's an aweful
feeling. It's also aweful I'll never shake the e from
aweful like I'm supposed to.

I'm always upset at Samm because he does bullshit like
smoke and drink. I can't care, but I do. Fucking innate
shit. It's a nightmare, can't live with it, can't live
without it. Well, I suppose you could.

I feel like taking all my negative energy and putting it
into drawing and writing or something. But knowing me and
my general flow of luck these recent days, I'll just end
up sleeping it all away - a waste. So many things are
wasted.

If we could use half of what we ever throw away, we'd
actually be in amazingly better shape. But no. Walking 5
feet to a trash to throw away a cup is too much hard work.
I tell you, this poor world is full of lazy people. I'm
sure, in my sleep, I hear the screams of the planet. 'I
ache, I pain.' Hard work hurt no one, and it feels good,
too. Feels like you've accomplished something.

I've also got a sort of closet obsessive compulsive
manner. Yoou'd never know it if you didn't pay extreme
attention to me, but I do. I obsess over things incredibly
for the longest periods of time, and then I change quickly
to something else and obsess over it madly. I'm ill, in
that sense. But what else is new? Everyone else is ill,
too. They are all so horribly sick.

Or perhaps illness is the norm. If so, there isn't a
reason to feel sorry for anyone, because everyone's got
it. Everyone is viciously ill, and I feel sorry for them
all. But they'll never change, so this pity, guilt, and
aweing in tragedy will never change, so it's a waste of
precious energy.

Good day. I will be obsessed with Deep Dive again to-
morrow.




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