Deeda

The Book of Nonsense
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2003-06-05 05:53:27 (UTC)

You'll be bored reading this

Hey!
I know I haven't written since last summer(which I'll
probably be deleting all of those, or at least most of
them. Some bring back memories of things I don't want to
remember.) but summer seems to be the only time I actually
have the time to write. I think summer is so boring. I'm at
my dad's right now (only for the month) but I would love to
go back to my mom's house only to see my boyfriend, David,
everyday again.
I love him so much and I miss him dearly. It's only
been three days (well, actually four if you count that it's
past midnight that I'm writing this.) but I just can't stop
thinking about him. He is my absolute everything.
I know I probably sound like a love-sick puppy but I
don't care, if you don't like it, go read someone else's
damn journal.
I miss being able to see him everyday. I guess I took
that privilege for granted, never realizing that there will
be times and places that it's just not possible for me to
see him as much as I humanly can.
We've been together for nearly seven months (seven on
the sixteenth of June, to be exact). We've gone out three
times before but this time is just so much different. This
is the longest that we've been able to stay together and
this time I believe he actually cares and is making the
effort to stick with me. And I appreciate that so terribly
much. But he'll probably never know that....
This time I can actually find myself getting jealous
when he talks to certain girls (or just about certain
things to any girl really)and that kind of scares me. I
never used to get jealous before. He could say or do
anything he wanted with any chic and it wouldn't bother me
in the least because I always believed that he did love me
and that he would always be there so I had no reason to be
jealous because no matter what I could always count on him
to come back to me.
But then after the last time that we broke up he
didn't come back to me. Or at least not for a long time. He
went out with an old best friend who had moved away(who is
still my friend I might add) and with a best friend that's
always been there for me since about first or second grade.
After that last time I believed that it really was over,
that he would never come back to me (or at least never as
my lover, only as my friend. Which reminds me of a
quote: "Should I smile because you're my friend or cry
because that's all we'll ever be?").
I ended up dating one of my best guy friends whom I
now very very rarely speak with. But David and I eventually
were reunited once again. I remember the night he asked me
back, that was a wonderful night. We were on the phone and
it was probably somewhat around nine or ten o clock because
I had just returned from a day at the Renaissance Festival
(so, of course, I was still dressed in my costume). We were
just about to hang up when he said he'd like to ask me
something. He finally just asked and I was just so shocked
that I couldn't speak for a moment. We had both confessed
to each other a few days (or maybe it was like a week, not
important) earlier that we still had a thing for each other
but I never thought that he'd actually want to try again. I
figured that three times was a charm but apparently not
strong enough for us and that there was no use in hoping. I
wanted him back, though. So deeply I wanted im back, but I still
had it firm set in my mind that he would never want me
back. I've gotten off track, I do that very easily.
Anywayz, he finally asked me and I was just so utterly
shocked that it took a moment for it to sink in before I
could speak. I said yes but I guess he was nervous because
he kept asking me if I really wanted to do this since I had
hesitated to answer.I kept telling him yes, that I'm sure.
And I'm so glad that I did.
This time has been much harder but that's probably
because we are both putting forth more effort, or at least
I believe that's why.
I love him so much.... he will never ever know how
much I love him, how much I have always loved him.
He makes it seem so easy to put feeling into words but
I just can't do it. No matter what comes to mind, it just
never seems good enough. Everything I think of either
sounds too corny or just doesn't have enough passion in it.
There's never a day when I don't want to confess how much
he truly means to me but no words could ever describe what
I feel for him. No words will ever be good enough, no poem
will ever be epic enough, no song will ever be deep enough.
I only wish I could tell him. I only wish I could just look
into his shimmering blue eyes and just tell him everything.
I want to give him the world, the moon, the sun, and the
stars. I want him to be forever happy.
But there are times when I don't believe he could be
eternally happy with me. There are times when I really do
think that he would be better off without me. Without me to
frustrate him or make him angry or give him any more
stress. I just love him so much and I want to see him
happy. He has the most beautiful smile. He has that type of
smile and eyes that make you believe that nothing could
ever go wrong. It wouldn't matter if the world was
crumbling around you and the stars are falling out of the
sky, as long as he smiles so lovingly and pours into you
with those eyes, that it will all be all right.
Sometimes I guess he just gets caught up in the moment
but he says things to me that make me believe that he loves
me and only me and has never loved anyone else. He makes me
believe that I am special to him and that he would never
leave me. I wish I could do the same. I wish I could let
him know how much I care. I wish I could just confess to
him that I will love him until the impossible becomes
possible and even after.
Well, all I'm doing is rambling and it has finally
dawned on me ho much I've actually been writing. I probably
sound like a helpless romantic and deep down, maybe I am
(although I doubt it). I guess I oughtta go now though.
Until next time. luv ya! bye!
Luv,Me

Quote of the entry:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and
to be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge


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