urstrulysje

wordtothewise
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2003-06-05 03:39:52 (UTC)

the "screams"

i believe i have one of the most widespread problems known
to mankind, at least in the United States. now this
problem is not exactly scientific, and it can't exactly be
diagnosed by looking at any x-ray or bloodtest, but it is
a disease nevertheless. the kind of disease that writes a
very sad story. of course this disease cannot really kill
you, or at least i have heard of no clear cases so far,
unless a person has been driven insane by it, but since it
seems to be a more fleeting type of disease, therefore
less likely to cause such extreme drama. still, it is the
kind of thing that deserves some attention, perhaps only
the type of attention that would fit it into a daily
journal entry in a rather low profile web-page, but
attention.

i would have to say that this whole problem began at a
young age, but was at such an imature state that it could
be called nothing more than the "boredom" of an impatience
and "flicted" (meaning "figidity" in jason language)
child. however, over the years it is grown into quite an
annoying state of mind. i think it is most perfectly
called the "mean reds" but holiday golightly in breakfast
at tiffany's, however i am sure this condition has many
names in many places, but for this entry-since it does
belong to me, we will use what i call it.....
the "screams".

now the "screams" can't really be described in one
particular manner, as it comes in several varieties... i
often get the screams when i come home, as i have been...
for the most part, it comes as i begin to schedule my day
that is full of nothing whatsoever, while i am at school,
i go from class to class to working out to homework to
meetings, and with any spare moment i have, i sleep or
spend it being silly with roommates, or whoever else is
around. no, there is no room for screams at those
moments. the screams come as i realize i have nothing to
do, and don't know what to do with myself. it is almost
scary, when u are left with nothing but your own thoughts
and feelings, and nothing to think or feel... and u think
of things to do... like read a book, or watch t.v... or
nething, but for some reason, u can't do any of those
things, and all u really wanna do is scream. but then u
finally realize that all u ever do is move from one thing
to the next busying ourselves to death, we get into daily
routines, and if some mindless activity is not occupying
us, then we are completely uncomfortable. what are we
uncomfortable with?? why it is nothing more than our own
personal company.

however funny, it seems as though we as americans are
constantly wanting to get through each day so quickly,
only to wake up to another day that we just wish was
over. we really start to find little joy in much of
nething. and for some wild reason, we think that we would
be much happier if only we had a bf/gf, or were two sizes
thinner, or had a successful job, so we can't wait until
then. but even when we acquire these things that should
make us feel more "complete", we don't understand why we
still can't stand ourselfs.

i used to think that the problem was only that God was
missing from a person's life, and once we come to know
Jesus as our personal saviors, we will always be happy go
lucky. the funny thing is, as wonderful as God is, life
isn't always perfect because u have the big man watching
over you. sometimes now, it is even worse because i know
better. i know better than to try to busy my life because
those things aren't important, and the "screams" is a
reminder of that.

so how is this thing overcome?? this crazy desire to get
away from everything, from life itself, and be...???
what?? i don't know, but to just jump right out of ur skin
and into something that makes sense. well, i guess the
first thing that i have learned to do is talk to myself.
now if u are kinda worried about me at the moment, and u
are thinking i am crazy, i apologize.... but it is me
nonetheless... and if u really know me, u would realize
that crazy is my middle name. so i talk to myself, and i
ask myself what i reallllly want, what i realllly
need...?? what would reallllly make me feel better, or
what would just be a temporary space-filler.

amazingly though, the only thing that ever really does
work for me is spend quiet time w/ God. This is something
that takes time to develop, however, because it is easy to
take this time to just sit and complain to God about ur
life.... no this is a different kind of reflection time.
it is time when u let God bring u back down to earth, back
down to his points, his promises, his plans, when u
remember that u can BREATHE, u can OPEN UR EYES AND SEE
THE BEAUTIFUL DAY, u can CALL A FRIEND TO SAY "I MISS U
ALREADY ;) and mean it, u can relax because u know that
even in ur moments of insanity, he is taking care of u.

and even though u know that tomorrow may bring another
case of the screams, life will continue, and u will keep
going.

sarah


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