Montana bound
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2003-06-03 21:26:58 (UTC)

Strange dreams and painful memories

It's strange, but I seem to always have the most vivid
dreams when I should be somewhere else. Today, that
somewhere else happened to be school. It's not like it's a
big deal. We're just finishing up the last week, in fact
summer vacation begins after school Thursday. Besides, I
can go back tomorrow and finish what little I have left to
do for the year.
Anyway, as I was blissfully sleeping away 1-4 periods
this morning, I had a number of dreams which have remained
in my mind with quite unusual clarity. I have no idea
where the first came from.
As I recall, I dreamt I was a Scottsman in ancient
times, at the time when the land was divided among dozens
of small clan holdings. I was the commander of the forces
of one such clan, and I was outside the small stronghold
scouting our borders. Somewhere along the way, one of my
men called me over to his vantage point from a hill. I ran
to where he was and looked out across the plain beneath.
Coming toward our stronghold at a steady run was a
neighboring clan, all bedecked in battle garb, in no way
attempting to hide their intentions of attacking my home.
My men and I set out at a full run back toward our
stronghold, knowing that we must prepare quickly for the
assault. I don't recall actually making it back to the
stronghold, but I plan on writing a little story about
this, and I'm sure I'll be able to satisfy my curiosity.
Unfortunately, I know all too well where the second came
from. I was at a party or something somhewhere, at least
there were a lot of people there. To my dismay, I only
recognized two. Blake and Alyssa. Not a good combination
for my subconsious to put together. The only girl I've
ever truly loved and my best friend, who, though he's one
of the greatest guys I've ever met and I would sacrifice my
life for him, has always been the champion between us when
it comes to girls.
Alyssa was seated in the middle of a love seat, and
Blake was seated on the arm. I was on the other side of
the room leaning on the back of a sofa which faced another
sofa, both of which were packed with people. I was handing
out coins of some sort to them, they seemed similar to
dimes in size and look; however the people getting them
were clutching them as tightly as if they were made of gold.
While I was doing this, Alyssa had slowly moved from the
center of the love seat toward Blake, until they were
touching and nestled quite comfortable to one another. As
soon as I saw this, I was devastated. I dropped my head in
my hands and let the tears flow. Not bawling my eyes out,
but feeling all the pain of a healing heart ripped in two
again. Even when I pulled up my knees and buried my head
between my crossed arms, eyelids locked firmly together so
as to avoid seeing anything, I still saw them there,
comfortably cuddling with each other. It was more than I
could stand. After I stopped crying, I lifted my head and
continued dispensing the coins, now throwing them at the
people across the room who hadn't received any yet. Once
everyone had received one and I still had a handfull left,
I simply let fly all of them at the opposite wall, then
buried my head again and continued to cry.
Why can't I move on? I thought I was over her. I swore
to myself that I still cared for her, but I could go on
with my life and not concern myself with her affairs
anymore. Apparently, I was wrong. I now don't think I'll
ever be over her.
Maybe that has something to do with why I can't seem to
make any progress with any other girls, no matter how much
I may want to. It surely doesn't help that Josiah keeps
telling me that Alyssa seems to be less and less happy with
Skeeter as time goes by, and more and more interested in
him. I try to deny it, but I know that in some dark corner
of my psyche which I try to refuse a voice, I take solace
in the fact that she seems unhappy with him, that she may
soon be free again, thus giving me another chance. I don't
dare let myself travel down that road again. I don't know
what may happen, it's possible a working relationship could
come of it, but it's all the more possible that I'll only
succeed in once again offering my heart as a sacrifice.

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