Abby

Abby
2003-06-02 04:04:59 (UTC)

Hard Times

I'm having a hard time thinking right now, so to any
possible readers, bear with me.

Okay, I'm going through what has to be one of the most
difficult times of my life. I don't really want to get
into specifics. I'm not that comfortable with talking
about this, even if I'm only telling it to an online
journal.

So, I thought that this problem was really getting
better... Actually, it was. I'm sure that it was... but
now it's just reached it's peak, and I don't know how I'm
going to deal with this. I mean, I'm dealing with it
now... kinda... I don't feel that I'm doing a super job,
though...

I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and start
my day normally. I want to go a single day without
worrying about it. I want for people to be able to look at
me without me having to turn away. I say that I'm not
scared of what they'll think, but if that was true then why
do I get this way? Why do I even care? I guess when it
comes down to it, I really am scared of what people will
think. I'm not even scared, but I'm scared of being
scared. I mean... It's like those dreams where you're in
public and you realize that you're naked. Well... kind
of... but I can honestly say that right now, I don't have
any complaints with myself except for this one that I'm
dealing with now. I mean, people that have never
experienced this would probably think that I am
overreacting, but trust me, I really don't think that I
am. I mean, it's not so easy to just go on with my day and
not worry what it looks like when i can feel it, and it
hurts so badlly. So, you're probably thinking, "What the
hell is Abby talking about? What problem is she referring
to?" Well, I'm not gonna tell you, because I'm evil like
that... Truthfully, I'm not going to only because I don't
want to be judged. You can come to your own conclusions,
and if you think of me any differently then I feel bad for
you.

Anyway, this weekend was really, really hard. I kept
saying that I wanted to die. I really don't, though. Just
because living isn't so easy right now, it doesn't mean
that I don't want to live.

I've thought about this over and over, and the only thing I
know to do is to pray and have hope. I know that this will
get better, and for all the days in my life that I'll have
to deal with this, if I just have those few days where I
don't, and when I can let loose and be me, and spend time
with all of the people that I really care about, then it
will be worth it... becuase life really is that great. I
think that I was given a truly amazing life, even if it
seems like I've been given some of the strangest, most
annoying, and most diffcult circumstances.

There's really so much more on my mind, and I don't know if
what I got out made any sense at all, but I tried... and I
feel a lot better now.




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