Welcome to own demise
2003-06-02 02:56:23 (UTC)

just rewards?

so im sittin here chillen, listenin to hed pe.....

reviewing my weekend in my head...

it all seems like such a dream.

albert came in on thursday... i ended up not even goin to
school that day and went to his house that night... yea i
talked bout that already i was all coked out and
whatnot... yea real cute luchi. anyway, i kept askin if he
had any gum and hes like whats up with u what did u take
or do blah blah blah, i ended up tellin him.... way to
stay strong lucia.

over all tho it was a nice evening. we just chilled. he
gave me a present. its so beautiful i almost started
crying and htinking about it makes me want to cry. he gave
me this hand mirror. on the back it has this fairy with
long hair and shes kinda like lookin back at ya and there
r lil like gems on it and its just so beautiful. hes like
i saw it and thought of u im sorry theyre not ur
birthstone, its the closet i could find. i almost lost it
and started cryin right when he said that, its just such
a seet gesture. ive never gotten a gift from a boy like
that b4 ya know... ::sigh::

i went to school friday.... the day kinda flew by. i came
home and fell asleep about 5 woke up at like 730 when my
phone rang.... albert. asked what i was up to i said
nothin, he said hed call me back in a few or somehting i
dont quite remember. i took a shower and decided tog et
dressed just in case i decided to go somewhere. my dad
came home and came downstairs and asked me if i was gonna
go to alebrts house or if i needed a ride somewhere bc he
was having a um..."company" over that night... i called
albert to see what he was doin and i told him what my dad
said sand hes like come over here.. so i did.

albert made a stupid decision that really disappointed me,
so much in fact i wont bother writing it, but anyhow...
his mom kicked his guys out of the house so it wsa just me
and him and it was quite possibly one of the best nights
ive ever had with another person. his mom and i were
sittin talkin as i was sipping on a cup of gin and juice
(p.s.: i didnt even finish my cup, i started feelin sick)
we were lookin at my prom pics and she told me how good
him and i look together and albert and her started talkin
bout how beautiful i am and i felt so awkward... albert
sat there and due to his high-ness began to talk to his
mother and me about how hes in love with me and he doesnt
quite know when it haoppened but hes definitely really
into me... he left to walk his freidns out and his mom was
like 'thats the 1st timei ve ever heard him say his
feelings towards u;.... i tol dher it was the 1st timei
heard it too.. ::sigh:: his mom left us alone and i just
sat in his arms for a while... as he began to tell me the
extent of his feelings for me. i cried. i wasnt like
sobbing but i was definitely crying. everything ive ever
dre3amed or imagined or just fantisized him saying he
said... right down to the part about marrying me one day.
"i have a secret" 'whats that?' "i love you"
i couldnt speak... i lost my voice.. i think he reread my
letter bc he quoted it a couple times that night.... he
completely undertsands my whole situation with the no
penetration.... i love him. i do. i really truly do. so
why the fuck cant i say it?! why am i still so scared? i
got him. i won. all the waiting and bullshit, and games
and lies, finally rewarded with the one thing i wanted and
im still so scared of being hurt. i was being hurt the
whole time... but now that he opens himself up to me, and
puts his feelings on the line.... im more terrifyed than
ever to tell him how i feel in person. i want to tell him
i love him but i cant..... sober. i guess im just not
ready yet. itsok though, he knows i love him. he knows hes
the only one i want to be with. and i know im the only one
he wants to be with. he asked me if i want to be his
girlfriend, and i told him that was a stupid question, he
said it wasnt that stupid... i said yes.....(of course)so
now i havea boyfriend.... not just any boyfriend tho... i
have the boyfriend. i have the man ive been pining over
for over a year... i endured so much garbage and pain in
this quest for his love and devotion i have it now and im
still confused about things with us... so did i really win?