Montana bound
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2003-06-01 08:45:41 (UTC)


I hate being such a pansy. I went to yet another movie
with Allison today. Yet again, I had many opportunities
to try to make some move; yet again, I got what I
interpreted as signs of interest from her; and yet again,
I was too fucking shy to do anything about it. I don't
hate myself, I just hate my total lack of confidence.
None of my friends understand. Though they're not all
necessarily babe magnets, they have no problems in their
associations with girls. To them, taking and holding her
hand is child's play. For me, that's a foot hike to base
camp at Mount Everest. I won't even try to classify all
the other stuff.
Of course, being the "nice guy" doesn't help. Nearly
all the girls at my age are looking for a "tough guy" who
will play hard to get and give them a run for their
money. I can't do that. I've tried. It's just not who I
am. No matter how much she may want me to, I simply
cannot bring myself to disrespect her like that. Even if
she doesn't see it that way, I do, and that's enough to
stop me dead in my tracks.
I had just such a problem with Jessica the other
night. She was at my house one night, and she decided
she'd have some fun and tease me. After she made sure my
attention was fully on her, she laid down on my bed and
asked me "If you could do anything to me right now besides
kiss me or take my virginity, what would it be?" When I
didn't do anything, she said, "Just forget that we're
friends, and imagine that I'm just some unknown girl who's
surrendering herself to you. Imagine that I'm just a slut
and then do whatever you want besides kissing me or taking my
virginity." When she said that, I simply froze. I tried
to think of something. God knows I tried. I always came
up with something that didn't satisfy her query, though.
She was constantly saying, "No, that's not what I mean!
If I were a total stranger, just giving myself to you, and
you could do ANYTHING except take my virginity or kiss me,
what would it be?" At this point, I just laid down next
to her and looked into her eyes, but did nothing. I COULDN'T do
anything. Regardless of how hard I tried to
picture the scenario she'd given me, I simply could not
allow myself to believe it. I refuse to treat her like
some worthless slut. No woman on Earth deserves that.
Ever. Except nothing. Yes, I could get caught up in
lust, but I could never disrespect her like that, especially
not such a close friend as she. Finally, she sighed in
exasperation. "Fine! Close your eyes, and think of what
you want to do to me. Whatever it is, anything, I don't
care, and do it." I obediently closed my eyes, but true
to myself, I leaned foward and kissed her.
At this point, she seemed to simply give up. She sat
up and I sat next to her, and we talked for a while.
Eventually, she told me that she was glad that I hadn't
been able to bring myself to do anything. She told me
that told her I honestly cared about her. It was at this
point that I realized something which has had a profound
effect upon my life since. I love her. Not as a man
loves a woman, but as one values a very close friend.
She means more to me than anything else in my life right
now, and I am the most blessed man alive to have that.
It's possible that one day that love may expand to
encompass the intimate elements of a relationship, but even if it
never goes beyond friendship, I'll always be grateful for what I
have. I hope and pray we will never lose the bond that we
Now my hope is that I can someday overcome my
hesitation and have that opportunity with others in my
life. It won't be easy, coming out of myself like that;
I've never been good at going against my character. If
I'm to experience life to its fullest effect, however,
I've got to do this. Someday, hopefully soon, I'll
conquer my fear, and when that day comes, I will have
taken a momentous step on the path to manhood.