Oh,The Insanity
Ad 2:
2003-05-30 05:59:44 (UTC)


I'm sure to everyone else in the world, this all may seem a
little childish...but to me, it matters. I miss Adam. I
haven't seen or talked to him in almost a week and I'm used
to at least saying "hi" once in a while. All I ever do is
work...and when I'm not at work, he is. Or he's at
school...or somewhere else. I know that in a few weeks,
I'll be seeing more of him than I could ever imagine...but
for the time being, that's not enough.
There's so much shit going on and it's getting hard to deal
with it all on my own. I don't want someone to fix all of
my problems...it's just nice to have someone to talk to
sometimes. Mom quit her job again...that's the...god, I
lost count. She just started this one and she quits cuz
she doesn't "like it." Well...I don't like working at
mcdonald's but I have to work somewhere...who can I rely on
to pay my car insurance? or to buy me school supplies? Cuz
I sure as hell can't count on my parents anymore. My
brother is acting like a prick too, but I know it's only
because he knows I'm leaving very very soon...but he
doesn't understand why I don't want to spend time at the
house if they're there. He doesn't quite comprehend that
they're pushing me away by acting like assholes. Mom was
fine today, until I mentioned moving...then she just, I
dunno. All I can explain it as is she pushed me away. One
minute we were laughing and joking and having fun...and the
next, she was dead silent, ignoring me. I don't know how to
tell her that everything is a mess, my life isn't as great
as I pretend...I'm afraid.
That's a big one, there. I am scared to death of failing.
Adam says "what's the worst that can happen, you go back to
live with ur mom" and I have to say "no" I can't live with
her again. This will be my, what, 5th time moving out of
my mother's house...I don't think she'll let me back in
when she's already pushing me out. Then there's the "it'll
be ok, cuz you wont' be alone." Well...I'm not alone now
and it's gotten pretty damn bad. I hate being home, but I
have nowhere else to be. Dad doesn't even call me anymore
to see how I'm doing...so I can't go over there. I have no
other friends because they don't like the "new Em." While
I'm on THAT topic, there is no NEW EM. If you actually
ever knew me, you'd know I'm just as Em as ever, I'm just
slightly more confidant and I don't feel so completly
unattractive. I know that I'm worth something...and I knew
that before, but I wasn't quite sure about it. And,
perhaps...JUST PERHAPS...I'm not the one who has
changed...maybe the way I perceive things has changed.
Kipp came home today. I was cooking dinner and just out of
nowhere, there was Kipp, in my driveway...with a huge hug.
He stayed for dinner, then I went over to Abby's and
watched the movie "K-19" about a russian submarine. Then I
went back to Kipp's around 11ish and set stuff on fire and
jumped on the trampoline and hung out with Gina, Dan,
Trevor and Johanna. Lots of memories...lots of
fun...yeah. I've finally realized, I dont' need adam to
have fun...I just wish I could include him when I have
fun. He doesn't get to have a lot of "fun" cuz he's always
so busy with school and work and all that shit. But he
graduates soon...and then we move....maybe sometime before
September, I can show him what real fun is like...we'll go
out to my Uncle's house and dance around bonfires and eat
veggie shishkabobs and...have fun...just like when I was
little...but, it won't be Becki...and it'll be better
because of that.
I don't know what else to write about, there's so much
going through my head. I guess it was a pretty okay day, I
have to go to work in the morning...and then I have to go
to the highschool and see what Adam is doing for the
night. I'd really like to hang out with him...yeah, I've
gone over this.
It's kinda weird. I feel more comfortable around him, now,
than I did when we were dating. He's going out with
Corinne now, and has been for a long time...like, since
January. And they didn't tell me right away...cuz they
didnt want to hurt me, which still doesn't make sense to
me. I guess its fine tho, I was upset, but only because of
how I found out about it...and then agian, that's bullshit
and if I were to say that, I'd be lying to myself and you.
I was, in fact, upset because I knew it was going to
happen. And I kept denying it and telling myself he still
loved me...and he does, it's just...different. *sigh*
Everything is so screwed up. I need to find an
appartment...and I need my room mate to be there when I go
and look at them.
I know you're probably reading this, thinking "oh my god,
there are people who watch their lovers get blown up and
she's sitting here bitching about her exboyfriend dating
her friend" well, I warned you in the beginning, this may
sound childish, but it matters to me. And besides, why do
I care what you think?
Peace, Love and Flying Marshmallow Frogs,

We were all raised on television to believe one day we'd
all be millionaires or movie gods or rock stars but we
won't and we're slowly learning that fact...and we're VERY
VERY pissed off.-Fight Club

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