2003-05-29 22:02:21 (UTC)

A letter to a Friend

I dont know what to say. Shit has happened in my life too,
but everyone deals with it differently. If my diary is that
hard for you to read, then dont read it. I dont want my
feelings or any part of me to be the reason you do
somethinig again. I know when I was going through a hard
time there was one lady. Her name was Kim. She was first
assigned to be my mental Health Lady, and when I was in the
hospital she came to visit me every day afterwork.
Sometimes I was asleep but she still came and she would
write me a little note to tell me she was there. She worked
at mental health for over a year with me then she opened
her own private practice. She knew that I had a hard time
opening up to ppl because I didnt trust them. So she asked
my dad if I could go to her private practice. His first
response was no, only because she is $98 an hour and
sometimes we would spend 4 or 5 hours together. Then she
told him not to worry and I never had to pay. I called her
so many harsh names and I made her cry. One time we went
for a drive and I made her cry so hard, that I have never
felt worse in my life. This was a woman who if she could
would take the stars out of the sky one by one for me, and
I trashed everything she was ever worth. The reason I was
so pissed off at her that time? She locked me in her office
because she wanted to bring me to the hospital and I
refused. She quickened a meeting with another client and I
sat in her office and I coloured. I drew some pretty scary
shit I might add. When she came in and talked she called
the hospital on me, she sat in front of the door the whole
time. I was so pissed off. Then we went for a drive and
thats where I called her every name in the book and she
cried. Then she drove me to the hospital and walked me in
and I wouldnt even speak to her. I didnt want to hurt my
family anymore by going back to the hospital again. I had
just been kicked out of my house and I was living with my
aunt and uncle. They dont handle shit like that well so I
was scared. You know what? If Kim hadnt put me in the
hospital that day, I dont think I would have made it
through the night. I was that dead set on killing myself. I
didnt want to hurt my family by letting them know I was in
the hospital, but I would have hurt them by killing myself.
And in the process of trying to protect my family from
being hurt, I hurt one of the most important ppl in my
lives. Kim has sacrificed more for me then anyone I have
ever met. You need to find that someone. It may be just a
stranger that you get to know. Thats all Kim was. Another
cracked out DR gunna tell me what to do. And I did not want
that. But she wasnt. She was my little Blue Angel. You need
to find that Angel. And it takes a lot of time, but mostly
it takes a point where you tell yourself no more, and you
believe it.