[T]'s Demon World
2003-05-29 21:21:58 (UTC)

i can't stop thinking

nobody's online now. not even one. for all i know,
everybody in the world could be dead right now. but of
course all you posting up on here aren't. or are you.

i wish i could stop thinking. just to be 'stupid' for a
minute and start thinking 'duhhhhhh' for a while staring at
the wall. but that's impossible. i used to be able to at
least block shit from my mind and lose some time, but now i
can't. i'm even getting headaches from this.

and you know what the stupid thing is? i'm thinking so much
that i can't even focus on one thing to say here. just so
many things. shit like:

what happened to trust-

-why am i still here?-

-why is my vision blurred-

-who do i love?-

-why don't i kill myself already-

-what's holding me back-

-what's putting me forward-

-how will i get out-


yeah.. i don't know. just everything. i'm just so sick of
it. and i know i'm whining again. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for
being a loser. i'm sorry for being a whiner. i'm sorry for
not doing anything about this. i'm sorry for being a bad
friend. i'm sorry for EXISTING.

there really was no true point to my existance. i'm just a
shadow walking the world. i haven't really done anything to
benefit the world. (well maybe my cracked up landlord and
his monthly checks)

so tired.. so bored.. so.. lonely. fuck. i keep whining and
i know certain people who don't care for that. but i can't
help it. all of this just keeps circling my mind over.. and
over.. and over..

at times maybe i'll look up a little bit. usually when i'm
chatting with someone. but then they leave, i look around,
and back it comes. BACK it COMES. GO AWAY.

frustrated.. i feel like slicing and dicing again. it's
something to do. it is a tension reliever though. the blood
intrigues me. but after, it's usually worse because i'm
sitting on the floor against the wall like a maniac, blood
down my arm. (okay now i just told too much) i should keep
this stuff to myself.