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2003-05-29 15:25:18 (UTC)

The Fallout

So yeah, all those cute moments? They happened BEFORE I
told her I'm in love with don't know what's
going on. Like at first it seemed ok, like I was at her
house and stuff and on the outside everything seems
normal...but there's something wrong...something's changed
and it's not good. She talks to me less, takes horses away
from me, emails me I dunno, I don't even feel
anything right now for her-she's so distant...
And the horse thing annoys me...Could I please have a
fucking riding horse thank does she not want me
out at the barn anymore or something?
Ok so I have a pathetic excuse for a riding horse, Rori
(though he tries and is coming along decently but slowly)
he can't even canter yet...and then I had Splash and all
of a sudden AM get's him too? Like weirdness and I don't
really have a problem with that cuz it's her horse and I
was only riding him 2x a week before but I only have a
half horse there and it's all of a sudden...and he's not
overly fun right at this moment anyway, and then there's
Remi who I wont ride unless I'm absolutely desperate, and
Chicago who doesn't really need anything done with
him...oh and then Marshmellow is now in lessons and Snippy
is Z' what am I left with...a horse that can't
canter and a horse I get 2 times a week...and that's why am I still at Colchester...oh no wait! There's
Katie...the unstarted Arab thing I could start just so
Colchester could get more money outta her at the
auction...though she is cute and I might do it just for
fun...ignoring the total abuse of me while doing it...
and that standardbred at Hunter Hill which is nice and the
only horse I'm actually enjoying right now (though Rori is
looking really good...sometimes...)
I'm just so sick and tired of fucking lunging all the
time...I ride let's see Rori every second time I work him
so that's like twice a week...Shilo once a week...and
Splash twice a week...any others are I'm
barely riding at all right now...but as soon as Rori can
canter, he's a lesson horse...Splash I just hope to God
sells (but at the same time I want him for the
mountains...) I'm just not overly pleased with that
situation right now-I don't think my riding is going to go if i didn't have Hunter Hill...I don't
even know what I'd be doing...or I'd be at Colchester like
twice a week...fuck Rori the other days
and then just the whole pretty much excluding me I dunno...she does stuff with other people
and she's not even using me for slave labor
anymore...she's like "I don't want you..."
So if she pretty much pushes me too far away...I'm
gone...I can get rides with Lara and that standardbred and's so frustrating.
And then my other problem is everytime I try to do
something with my life I get only I'm
sorry fucking look at all your guy's lives and then
criticize...I'm trying to figure out my entire life and
all I do is get shot down or patronized or
whatever...fucking hypocrites...
I don't wanna be smart I wish I was dumb so I never had to
worry about it...Don't you think it's sad when I actually
wish that I could be in some mentally/physically
incapacitating accident just so I wouldn't have to worry
about jobs that please fuck it...

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