ABeautifulDisaster

Ramblings of an Angry Squirrel
2003-05-28 19:49:05 (UTC)

Who Could Love Me?

Dear Diary,

I just got a disturbing letter from Amanda Williams. This
is what it says:

"I don't know what to do. I tried to apologize to you and
I tried to form a friendship with you. But it is just too
hard. I don't even care if you get mad at me. It is the
last week of school and I will get away from you and all
the talk about "me and Andrew" for the summer and might not
have to come back next year! So I am about to speak my
mind and say what I tried to keep back since this whole
thing started.
First of all, I don't like bein referred to as "that dam
Amanda" or "that girl Amanda". Second of all, I think in
some ways Andrew did you wrong, but you brought a lot on
yourself. He tried to love you but you gave him hell and
would pick fights with him for no reason. You made it too
hard for him to love you. Third of al, I do apologize for
what happened with me and Andrew back in January. I know
it was wrong to do that, and I feel bad about it. But what
the hell am I supposed to do? rewind time and take back
what I did? I can't do that, so jut get over that. I have
paid for it. Do you know it feels for Josh to go and tease
me about it when I even look at Andrew? It isn't the best
feeling ever. So just leave me the hell alone about
anything to do with Andrew. In case you forgot, I have a
boyfriend who I ACTUALLY LOVE. And last but not least, I
don't see why you're mad about the diary thing. You had
your diary on public, so you obviously didn't care about
who saw it. Why do you care about Andrew seeing it? You
two aren't together anymore, anyway.
That is all I have to say. So just buzz off "oh queen who
can do no wrong"! I hope you have a nice life with whoever
can stand to be with you.
Amanda"

That hurts. I don't even know what I did to get her so
fired up like that. I haven't thought about her and him
for a long time. I've forgiven both of them, and thought
that Amanda and I were past this. I never thought that I
was hard on Andrew. I thought that he felt that I was being
very loving and fair. It really hurts, all she said just
upsets me. I mean, I'm crying right now. I can't believe
that she would say such things to me. I don't have
anything against her, but if she thinks I do, then oh
well. I can't change that.

I really never thought that I made it impossible for him to
love me. I thought that I was just doing fine, and I loved
him so much. She has no idea how much I did love him. How
much I cared about him. I still love him on some level,
even though he's not allowed to speak to me. But what
hurts the most, I think, is that she said that no one could
stand to be with me in a relationship. I never thought
that I was that bad. I tried so hard, I really did. I
feel like I'm going to cry again, but I don't know what
good that would do. Maybe I shouldn't go on date-night
tonight. Maybe I should just stay in my room, since no one
can tolerate me.

It's times like these that I'd rather be gone. I'd rather
be dead so no one has to worry about me. Never. I hav eno
friends, I make it too difficult. I only talk about me.
I'm selfish and never perfect. I'm not pretty, and I'm not
talented. I guess Amanda's right, no guy can stand me. I
guess that's just it. That's the end of the story.

*T*




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