No Excuses

Pillow Of Your Bones
2003-05-28 02:46:14 (UTC)

"And this is beautiful pain."

how touching...someone else's diary:

"...if we die....we die alone...
once when i was six or so--i stayed up all night crying--
when my mother realized i was still awake she asked what
was wrong and i replied with the following line...
'why was i ever even born?
all i can do now is die.'
and really after twelve or so more years of living my
life...i still feel the same way. really--i do."

im so silly...when i was lil, there were nights when i
would lay in bed and think about my uncle and my grandma
and i would wonder 'why?' ...ah, the eternal question!...
why are we here? why do we die? why does any of this
happen?... i would wonder what it was like to die. and if
they were happy now...or sad...or lonely. i would feel so
empty inside. now, sometimes, i get that feeling. only its
kinda different. its not quite fear...or loneliness...its absence. of everything. so what is the truth? is
my agnostic bullshit correct? 'religion sucks so just come
up w.ur own beliefs to fill that void'? *sigh* why am i
writing this shit?!


wanna hear something depressing? there are sick people in
this world but noone cares. a fucking asshole can get away
w.molesting his step-daughter for more than 10 years. how
is it possible? i really just dont understand. i feel so
terrible. just seeing her cry-it made me so upset. she
deserves so much much more than a crackhead
mother...a whore sister...a dad who just wants his own
life. shes a great person inside... but because one person
has some sick fucking shit going on inside his head, her
life is ruined. i hope once shes 18 and married she can
finally be happy. this sucks.


im reading a really good book right now. i have been
reading this book for about a week now (i know! i know!
its not that long! i should be done but i just never have
the time!). i couldnt sleep last night so i stayed up
reading for a couple of hours. its 'the cat who walks
through walls' by robert a. heinlein. i was more than 1/2
way through it before i realized that this is a sequal
to 'the moon is a harsh mistress'. it has some pretty good
theories about time/space...i love OLD sci fi books.

*on a happy note* dustin and derek came into the library
today. derek brought his new g/f. shes not pretty but at
least its an improvement over SHELLEY right? (EW! LOL). i
was making dustin help me shelve paperbacks and then derek
was like 'how come every time i come in u look different?!
do i look different?!' i was like ', besides the fact
that ur wearing a du-rag?!' and dustin was like 'its
because she wearing INDEPENDENT pants!' ...yes...i dressed
normal today! $17 independent pants and a red
shirt. i was cute! just so sick of always wearing
the same, boring (not-me!) outfits everyday to work! those
kids are so funny...dustin had cindys arms pinned behind
her back and i flicked him in the cheek. john (kates
fiance) was in there too. at least it wasnt as boring as i
thought it would be since monica left early.

im intrigued. im reading the diary i previously referred
to. he seems so smart! yet sad. 'member 'lil ryan'? a lot
like him. wow...i miss being friends w.ryan. i talked to
him about a month or so ago. turns out, him and alan are
friends. during the bomb threat thing, me and alan and
cheeky were walking around and i saw him standing all by
himself so i went over to talk to him. he seems happier
now. thats so good.

well...this is really long...ill stop now.



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