no one

talk about overkill
2003-05-27 16:11:21 (UTC)

dont ask. PLEASE, dont ask.

hey you guys.
so today is...monday? no, tuesday, yeah.
i figured out just yesterday that i'm NOT going to be able
to keep this up over the summer...so that'll be really
hard...well i guess i really haven't been telling anything
dead serious to this diary anyway. only to my one at home.
and i went through and read some stuff in it yesterday.
the beginning starts out stupid, and then it gets morbid,
and then it gets honest. my actual DIARY diary is about
200 pages long. the whole thing crammed up is about 850,
cuz i put all my stories and shit in there. except for a
few lately, i've been leaving them out.
anyway, um, yeah.

friday i went over to kristen (golden)'s and watched James
Dean and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. good movies, but
depressing. i came home and took a good half an hour walk
around the block. cried. talked to myself. that stupid
stankis bitch was watching me the whole time, with her
fucking MOUTH gaping open. i bet she's never seen a
lunatic like me. well fuck her. i've hated her all my
life, yeah. then my dad took me out for a 9 o'clock dinner
and tried to talk to me about christianity. fuck him.
i'll arrive at my own conclusion. nothing anybody says can
change that.
but yeah, also on friday, i started my period. no big deal
really. it only ruined my weekend, but at least i dont
hafta deal with it during school. i hate doing that. no,
i loathe it. i should add it to my loathing list. but it
all turned out ok anyway. this one wasn't so bad. i just
wish it was more set, methodical. not just randomly
popping up whenever. i've been doing this for three years,
and you'd think already that i'd set into some sort of
schedule. well, i haven't. it comes whenever. hopefully
i'll be alright for Hume. otherwise i wont go to hume. i
refuse.
i went and saw the matrix saturday. good movie, minus the
sex scene. they had holes in them while they were fucking
each other. it was disgusting, VERY disgusting... what i
saw of it anyway. i peeked a little, but then i felt like
i was going to throw up. i regret peeking. curiosity
killed the cat. oh, and the ending. that was just
downright corny. "the bullet is still in you"...the polish
boys really suck at romance. they should hire me for god's
sake.
sunday i met willow and went to church. willow's a nice
girl. shy, but nice. and she complimented my No One
story. thanks willow. and spam spilled the beans on
sunday. great. just great. well i suppose it would have
gotten out sooner or later. i was hoping i could just cram
it in like i have with all the other stuff. but no. i'm
still not going to explain it. it doesn't deserve to be
explained. i dont want to cause a fiasco.
monday i went and packed. it was hell on monday. i hated
it. another goodbye. more like five goodbyes. dont ask.
but i stayed on the phone with my brother for fourteen
minutes. longest i've ever been on the phone with him. i
played neopets forever on monday too. and did some
homework. not that i cared about it.

i realized one thing this weekend, which i'm not going to
tell you. it wont make sense to you. but it also forced
me to write in my diary, which i haven't done for something
close to a few months. it disgusts me. but i guess i'm
becoming more and more dependent on that fucking document.
i read something in it yesterday that kind of interested
me.
"I surround myself with fictional friends, and I push my
real ones away. I turn myself into a fictional me, and I
push the real me away."
i just thought that was so true...it was from
february...guess i haven't changed much since then. ah,
well, i dont need to change. just trudge through life. i
can do that as long as i need to.

i keep having this really weird random dreams, after my
death one. i had a dream about adam two nights ago. that
he found out about my calling and everything. and he was
talking to me, telling me that he was so sorry. so sorry
for letting me down, for hurting me, for damaging me. he
told me that he'd always loved me, and that he was just
stupid and immature. and that he was different now. i
don't know, though. why do i keep having dreams about
him? am i STILL that focused on him? it seems pathetic,
even to me. he was a bastard. why can't i get OVER him?
i'm starting to think that i really loved him or
something. fucking bastard. "i fucking hope they fucking
go to fucking hell."
"can you say the word 'fucking' any more times?"
"I'LL FUCKING SAY FUCKING AS LONG AS I FUCKING WANT
TO!"...haha, sorry...part of my story.
anyway, i also had another dream last night. about wes
waugh. go figure. why the hell am i dreaming about him?
i dont even know him, dont even like him. but in my dream
he was just a really nice guy. dont worry, this dream
didn't change my opinion on him. i still don't LIKE him,
like him.

other than that, i dont think i could possibly have rambled
any more than i just did. i swear i'll shut up now,
alright? i probably will only get to say something
tomorrow and the day after. then it'll be my "season
finale" until august 25th or so. and i might need a few
days to get settled in.

damn good thing i get out of school. i've been tempted to
write some stuff in here that would be very bad. now i
wont get to write it. yea. i think i just saved my sanity.




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