Christy

What?

I couldnt think of a title so What? was just as good. I
have a fucking headache. It hurts. Its 3 in the fucking
morning and I know I wont go to sleep till fucking early. I
dont think I am even going to try and sleep. I am talking
to Julia online. Shes a lez and she is kool. Fuck my head
hurts. I got some twisted shit going on in my head and I am
just going to let it out. I just want to stop fucking lying
to myself. Lying to everyone else. Why??? Why???? Fuck I
need help. My head is hurting from the fucking screaming
inside. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even Superman couldnt
rescue me now. I dont know if i want him to anymore. I just
dont know if i want to live. i mean....fuck i dont know. i
dont know what i mean. i dont know if i am sane anymore.
fuck what do i know. i know nothing and i am so tired of
trying to figure it out. i have no home. but i am supposed
to go start work this weekend. i will admit that is my own
massive fuck up. but god. i dont want to leave justene. i
am seriously contimplating giving up tofino and staying
here with her. but at the same time i keep telling myself
that maybe it will be good for us and that she will be
there in the summer. but fuck. i am so scared that she will
see what life with me is like again and leave me again. i
promise, and if you know me, you know what a promise is to
me, that if she leaves me again i will kill myself. i am
not fighting to get her back and i will not live seeing her
not with me. this time its done. i cant do it. i
physically, mentally and emotionally do not know how to
live without her. I love her and i dont give a shit if ppl
think i can live without her. you know what? i probably
can, but i wont. i am not doing it without her. i am trying
so hard to live a life without her but you know what? i
cant. i tried to get erik in my life again to see if maybe
he could help fill something to fade her out, but every
time i think of me with him, she is in my mind. I probably
would have fucked him when he came to town, but i couldnt.
you know why? i'll tell you. For one i felt like she would
have been mad at me. for two, i felt like i was cheating on
something and that would have been wrong. and three, after
she called and i found out john was there, i couldn't help
but think that she would fuck him. i had a really hard time
with that. and then every time i talked to him on the phone
she made me feel like shit because i ignored her. what the
fuck am i supposed to do? i mean ryan comes to town and she
takes off with him and i have never met him. i know he
wants nothing but to fuck her. i know she loves john. and
the same thing with kenny. she can fucking come online and
talk to john for two hours and ignore me. and she talks
some pretty deep shit with john. fuck look at kenny. she
fucked him. i mean.........am i a mean bitch for feeling
like i do towards her and guys? or what? i just, fuck i
hate her around guys. fuck i hate her and guys.