EmptymeOut

bundles of inadequate thoughts.
2003-05-27 04:20:28 (UTC)

jovial jealousy

he just needs to learn how to gain enough maturity to understand
he himself that him and his mother are two completely seperate
people. sure she raised him. he is 21. she raised him to learn what
he needs to know in order to suceed now. now she needs to let go
and he needs to help with it. because its what is right. he is having
a child. he has a relationship. why does she feel like she still
needs to control him, and tell him her negative opinions. her
notorious pessemistic options. if she was a good mother, she
would let go. she would trust him. and in that trust, trust that he
should have good judgement as to whom his girlfriend might be,
how he can handle the ups and downs, or how he is going to turn
out in having a child with that certain girl. she needs to understand
that what she learned, she learned from experience, and that he
will as well. let him live. let him learn. isnt that what anyone would
prefer?

one must not judge one with such lack of observity.
though i am aware i do it ever so often. i do it with realisation. i do it
because i envy. i do it because i have problems that tend to... not
get fixed. because i wont let them.

i just wish that my opinions, my advice, my thoughts mattered more
than that of his friends. i know he could disagree with me ever so
promptly if this were ever brought up in conversation. that is why i
dont talk about it. that is why i dont tell him my thoughts. my
feelings. because they dont matter like he says they do. he says
they do merely because he wants to know what they are, not
because he cares. he cares about people he is less close to. or
maybe he is just closer to them than me, and in that case... it dosnt
seem right. he cares because he dosnt want to fuck anything up?
no. that cant be it. he SAYS he CARES because he doesnt
RESPECT girlfriends. not like he says he does. not like he cares
to. he makes me feel stupid for voicing how i feel, when his
intention is to do the complete oposite. makes me wonder if he
really means in genuine what he says to me. or if he does it just to
make me feel comfortible in order for him to get what he wants.

there is a girl. a girl that he is friends with. good friends with
indeed. i am jealous. ver jealous of this certain girl. they had there
relationship. previously. years ago, in fact... i believe she was
somewhat of his first love and yet he still cares for her. cares for
her in what he says is political emotional, but id like to not think it is
something more. though i do. and i feel that is how it is. i feel like i
know, and in that, him being in denial about it. that or just not plain
telling me how he really feels. i get these feelings and intuitions
that she tells him things. things about how she feels for him. not
just her, maybe, but possibly a few of his felale friends. they vent
out to him their feelings, and instead of him saying, hey. i have a
woman. a love. a life. a child. he might not say anything at all, or
just make them feel comfortible for feeling that way towards him.
he loves it. he wants it. not just from me, and that's what hurts. he
enjoys it so much from other people as well. and he cushions it
because of that. he involves other girls, emotionally, and not just
between them and him, but   between him and i. we. what is meant
to stay between us. that i would prefer. what is meant to be
decided between us. children. living. life. its all us. nobody else,
and he seems to think differently.

reckless possession. pointless conversations. unfaithful
faithfulness. this is what relationships are entitled to. they get
brought to that point. they start out. they have faults. its life. its
relationships. jealousy. hate. disrespect. it always happens. i cant
decide if relationships are created to remain healthy, but to create
chaos. chaos and possession and unfaithfulness and jealousy and
hate and disrespect. thats it.

i know someone now. someone i dont know, but do. someone i
adore in a sense that she has powerful intellect over my reading
capabilities, if that makes sense.

it depresses me to remember that my life was once so much
different than it is now. and to remember that i once had a flat
stomach.




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