2003-05-27 03:18:42 (UTC)

a lover i dont have to love

so i'm officially out of school... summer begins...
so far in "summer" i've just hung out with the usual crowd
of friends.. back up...my now usual crowd.. a couple weeks
ago i quit smoking and that meant i didn't hangout with
some of my friends as much, cus it's all they do. so now i
hang out with faces like brian brandon peter pat dan and
such. so what do kids that are drugfree do? nothing
really. well nothing different than the others except
without drugs... it proves to be boring at times, but in
the end it's better. you know they are your friends for
you not just cus you'll get high with them. at the moment
i miss being able to blow everything away, worries and all
with a couple swats...but i'm clean. so aside from that
i'm going through one of those "phases" again. i find
myself very depressed... even more when i'm alone or
around certain people that bring back bad memories. take
for instance saturday... i hung out with pat peter and dan
for most of the day (brian and brandon went to the beach
with brian's family for the weekend so a good portion of
our group was missing) well we all went to steak n shake
at one point and practically cried from laughing so much.
i got home still on the giggles and once i was alone i was
so sad. no reason at all either. sometimes i think it's
cus i'm afraid of being alone, being abandoned by
everything and everyone. that my friends aren't really
what they say they are. sometimes i find myself asking
people why they are my friends.. i only bring trauma, i
contrbute nothing positive to the relationship. in one
case the person who i felt helped me a great deal in all
areas.. actually told me i helped them and that they dont
give anythign in return... i was astounded...not only are
they saying exactly what i was going to say, but i
completely thought they were full of shit. i realized it
was a compliment and collected myself to calmly rebut with
the exact opposite. to be quite honest i know individuals
that bring some of these feelings upon (i'd rather not say
who though...sorry for the secretiveness). i just look
back... anything time i'm with them i feel different, but
i dont do anything becuase i charish our friendship and
would've want to mess it up cus i felt us not hanging out
as much would benefit both of us. i mean the way i say it,
it sounds little complete bullshit. oh well, i think i'll
stop there...

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