2003-05-26 21:06:36 (UTC)

self pity

so what else is new. i am emotional and shitty. ew. i dont
know why i always get like this. ANNOYING. lets assess. last
night i didnt drink. even tho i had this ravenous feeling in
the back of my thoat saying "give me alcohol!!!"

i feel like i am in an insane asylum. my grandmother is
wandering around me, telling me about my parents and what
fucks they are. then she goes "i want you to be happy."
right. my grandfather wandering around, yelling about cabke
wires. i dont know . exactly how much of a loser would i be
if i went by myself to a bar and watched the game. i still
just want to drink. last night watched bruce almighty and
came home and watched 13 conversations about one thing
(great movie) and drank a beer from the fridge and went to

i just made a pancake and an omlette. with fresh
strawberries. watching the yankee game on TV and more than
anything i wish i was there. i get so sad, on the train
seeing all the people getting off at lex, going up to the
stadium, and its depressing on TV, hearing all the yankee
stadium noises. i just want to be there. i think what i
really need is a yankee fan boyfriend, i just need someone
to want to go with me all the time.

i've had this problem all my life. my mom always said that
i'll get hurt always because of it. this willingness to do
anything for my friends, and to expect alot from them. and i
have always been hurt by it. and you never learn. people are
really only friends with you to get whatever they can for
someone recently expressed remorse for a girl planning her
own bithday party. ive always planned my own celebrations. i
know no one will care enough to do that. but apparently,
there are other groups of friends out there who DO do stuff
like that. and they feel sorry for people like me.
i am a sucker. i buy tickets for things, and people mostly
just dont come. i buy tickets for things and people bitch
that they can;t make it. i'm the one always bringing people
i feel like such a loser really.
and i m tired of it. im just tired, of trying so hard, it;s
a selfish selfish world , and people really only care about

its memorial day and i dont have any family around. they are
falling apart really. even my family, only an illusion.

oh god. roger clemens met his wife in college. hes 42 and
still with her. she is pretty and blond .and on the edge of
her seat. she still loves him.
they just took him out. today is not the day he gets his
300th win.