a chick called Sam

I am sam's inner thoughts
2003-05-26 16:08:03 (UTC)

..........*sigh*..........(my longest entry to date)

The party...well, I thought very highly of the party. That
is why it deserves to have an entry written of its events,
when I feel more uplifted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I think I broke. I feel so emotionally numb.
I'm such a pathetic person.

I have been observing all those around me constantly, I
pick up on so many things. It's misfortunate that there
are very few out there, who genuinely put themselves
infront of others.

I noticed so many things at Andrew's party. Every now and
again I decided to stop having crazy fun, and I would be
still for some moments to look around...and contemplate. I
noticed how sellfish and destructive people are. This is
not new to me...and I suppose that may have been a harsh,
cruel, cynical way to view those around me. Although I do
attempt, when I meet an individual person, to see the best
in them. Well, that is untill I am seriously proven
otherwise. Why can't others do this???!?!

I can't overcome how numb I feel, nor the events of last
night.

So weak...like Patrick said, "your such a timid little
hamster".

My eyes are broken. That may sound incredibly odd at the
moment...but you will understand later.

Weak, fragile, timid, forlorn, jaded, surfeit with
emotions that I cannot express. Consumed by people and
their world.

I feel desolated, yet I'm surrounded by love and support.

I am almost bereft of one thing for sure...and that thing
is hope. I was listening to a couple of friends (Tristen
and Tyson), drone on about life's bad sides. I could see
where they were comming from, but that shouldn't denounce
how beautiful the rest of life is.

I was trying so hard to explain to them that...lets face
it...there are two ways that this can destroy one, by
allowing this darkness to overcome oneself (path which I
am unwillingly walking), or to confront it and reduce
oneself to the same standard.

The only ladder is peace, to be at peace with yourself and
others, a spiritual peace. The sort which gives you the
perpetual, incessant strength and love, to overcome the
bad times and to see past it. That strength will become
like a barrier, it would not transform one into a cold
stone, only prevent the absorbtion of negative energy.

Though unfortunately, it's so hard to grow into one of
those people. Time is one of the main obstacles. Though without time
patience, a great virtue which everyone should achieve, would never
be taught.

I was trying to explain to Tristen the following:

We'd just be biological machines if we knew not how to...
love or hate. Feel, sadness, sorrow. Happiness, joy

Life is contrived of both the negative and possitive, one
cannot exist without the other. Good and bad. There would
be no shadow, if there were no light.

It may seem like I am being hypocritical, I'm not. I don't
have a problem with life, far from it, my main conflict
is with myself.

Why did I have to do what I did. I've messed things up BIG TIME. I
don't want to get more of my friends involved with this big horrible
mess, named Samantha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LAST NIGHT


I was having an amazing time. That was up untill around
10pm last night. I had two tokes on a spliff, and not that
long after I had a severe panick attack.

I have very little self willpower, I can't seem to stop
smoking weed. I don't particularily like the effects of
the drug...infact I hate it!!!! Yet I can't stop. It's
destroying me.

It is not that I do drugs excessively...I'm just far too
weak minded for drugs, any of them.

I'm stuck on this downward spiral, but it's slippery, I
can't crawl back up.

The panick attack was immense. It began with confusion, an
engulfing array of emotions and the sensation of
suffocation.

I needed to get out, out of the house. So I hid somewhere
outside, with the intent to go back when I was feeling
better, and not to aware or alarm anyone. Unfortunately I
assumed that I would be a short a while and I WOULD get
better. Instead my emotions went berserk, I became so
frightened. It was like my devastating mushroom trip. I
thought too much, encouraged "the fear", and thought
myself close to destruction.

I was a trembling, jibbering wreck towards the end of it.

I couldn't cry...I was so numb...my eyes would water, but
not a single tear formed. I was silently screaming and
screaming, desperately crying. My heart felt beaten and
bruised.

I started hearing sounds that I'm not sure were
there...and the darkness was playing tricks on my eyes.

It became so bad, that I didn't want to involve my
friends. So about 2 hrs into the whole mess...I found
myself cautiously crawling around Tristen's house. I
decided to sit in the field opposite his home, and wait
until my mother arrived to take me to mine. Unfortunately,
people started to wonder where I had vanished to, and had
began to worry. They went on a search for me...and that's
why I crumbled in Tristen's arms, when I was found. I
began thinking, "why, why have I done this to them?...Why
did I make them worry?...Why am I so silly, to take things
to such a level?". That's when I rediscovered my ability
to cry...not for long though.

Ah well, I'm such a retard.

On the way home my mom told me that I was so stupid to
worry my friends like that, that she was very angry with
me, that this was the last straw, and that on sunday she
wants to take me to the Bodmin assylum.

I don't know is she was serious, or if those were the
words of an angry person.

But it upset and scared the crap out of me. Hmm...maybe I
am going crazy, and need that sort of attention.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't want to end my existence, I'm too cowardly and I
value the precious gift of life highly.

I'm just a huge lump of failure. I'm a failed human being,
failed daughter, failed sister, failed friend, failed
student...of life and of schooling.

What's even more pathetic is all the self pitty which I
have felt, and still feel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(When I first read this, it made me cry.)

The following is soo beautiful, it is a religious story:

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the
sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.


When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and
saddest times of his life.


This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about
it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times
in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would
leave me."


The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never
leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that
I carried you."


Is all this just a severe case of melodrama, or are these
serious and true emotions?

I'm so sorry to subject you to this.




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