listen to my silences
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2003-05-23 15:18:41 (UTC)

up to date.

haven't written in here since i've been home from school.
i don't think i've even been online. well, i was once, to
change my billing information. but i don't count that. i
closed my pnc account cause i'm tired of them charging me
money for not having money. tell me how that would make
sense anyways. so i put it all in my evansville account.
which probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do
because of the next thing i'm going to write in here...

i'm taking a year off school. why? to tour full time with
righteous insanity. i've missed it so freaking much. and
my faith has really faltered. as is evident by my
cursing. i have such a foul mouth. geezohpete! lol

i've talked to my dad about it. he is totally supportive
of it. which really kind of freaks me out. but it's a
good thing. he was the one i was really afraid to tell.
mom i can handle. either way i was/am going to do it. but
it's really cool to have him behind me. i'm nervous about
telling brodie too. it's weird. i can't explain why. i
mean, i can and do tell him everything. i just, i don't
want him to tell me what i'm doing is wrong when it's not.
sometimes he's right. but on this, he wouldn't be. i'm
pretty sure he'll support me though. he's a good guy like

brandon's kind of...i don't know...not exactly freaked out
about it but...unhappy to an extent with the decision.
understandable. he wants me to go because i want to go and
it's just, it's something i gotta do. he knows and
understands that. so he wants me to go for me, but for us
he doesn't want me too. but we're working through this
issue. besides, i don't even leave until october.

i'm working at k-mart again. it's fun. and yes i'm being
serious. i've missed everyone there. well...most
everyone. lol jamie. but i have to work check-outs two
days this week! augh. i've never worked on check-outs
before at k-mart. except for the jewelry counter. but
that doesn't count. suck suck suck. oh well. lol jamie.

brandon's going to quit k-mart and work somewhere else.
can't remember the name of it. it'll suck. it's nice
working together because we can see each other everyday and
go out and do random things. it's nice to have the same
days off and have one day designated as "our day".
tuesdays. it's nice. security, you know? and i'm/we're
not going to have that. he works two weeks days and two
weeks nights or something like that. five days a week.
basically a set schedule. so that should make things easy,
right? nope. considering the fact that i don't have a set
schedule. i have two days off for sure, but he will work
those two days. including "our day". it sux.

but i really have no right to say anything about it since
i'm going to be gone all the time starting in october.
don't know how often i'll be home or when or even if i will
be. but that's five months from now. not one. if we're
together in five months and still strong and secure and
comfortable, then touring won't change that. but we've
only been dating a little over a month. and yeah we're
strong and secure and comfortable, but...i just can't put
it into words. i don't know how.

part of it is with touring, i'll have control of making the
effort to see him and be with him. with him working at
whatever the place is, he'll have the control. and as much
as i do trust him, i don't completely. not yet. so i'm
scared. i don't like giving up control, especially when i
don't have a choice whether or not i give it up.

but i know this is something he's gotta do. for him. just
as touring is for me. so...for him i want him to. and for
us...we'll be okay. i hope.

and i'm sure you're all gonna say hmm megan you should
probably talk to him about it. i did. we talked. i
cried. weird, yeah. we talked some more. and i thought i
was okay with it all, but if i was i wouldn't have written
as much in here as i have about it.

so onto something else...

finally gave the notebook to jamie. about time, i know.
so that's cool. good to have that going back and forth.
worried about her. the adam thing...jerrrrk. four rs.
count them. lol jamie and brandon.

ryan's in town. mary's happy about that. he's a good
guy. they're good together. they're both sweet and sweet
to each other. good times.

i'm happy. despite the above stuff, i still am. cool cool.

worked a twelve hour shift on wednesday. that
was...interesting. (meganism, lol jamie.) then afterwards
i went over to cosper's. it was great. i've missed all
that. he tried to drench mary and ryan with the hose.
they didn't want to get wet. and what does megan do? i
start playing in it and getting soaked. it was great! it
was just like old times when i was little. why grow up?
no point, i see no point. btw there's a difference between
growing up and maturing. you can mature without growing
up. and vice versa. i'm doing the first one. lotsa fun
lotsa fun. anyways we all went to the playground and
played on it and played volleyball and then shot some
basketball. check, i attempted to shoot some basketball.
i missed every shot. they started giving up their shots
till i made one. no joke no exaggeration it took me at
least fifteen tries. it was absolutely pathetic. *sigh*

certain parts of tuesday and yesterday...*evil
grin*...that's all i have to say about that. *evil laugh*

my brother got stuck in a little kid swing yesterday at the
playground. it was great. so what does big sis do? i
drive home to get my camera before getting him out of the
swing. lol lol lol. brandon had to pull him out of it.
there was even a warning on the back of the swing about big
people shouldn't get in it cause they'll get stuck (not
that my brother's big, he's not, he's a twig. but he's too
tall or something. we think it was his shoes. lol
brian). i took a picture of that too. lol lol lol.

brandon and i got in a fight last night. it was bad. but
then it was good. we talked it out. reset things where
they should have been. and we're okay now. stronger and
still happy and okay. so it sucked, but it was good for
us. found out a lot about myself. and he found out a lot
about himself too i think.

i broke my toe yesterday. that was fun. then i continued
to play soccer and tennis and run around on the playground
anyways. lol. hurts like crap today.

the end. lol brandon.

final thought: hate being out of the circle. ryan, you
know what i'm talking about.