Katy28

Ahhh...life...
2003-05-23 03:07:30 (UTC)

Not happy

I don't understand what is wrong with me. The one person I
trust and consider my best friend I yell at and tell him
he's an asshole and that I don't want to talk to him... all
that kind of shit. When in the long run I just want him to
make me happy because I don't know how. He said I'm not
being my true self and I'm not. It's just I don't know
what my true self is anymore. I make myself look good and
seem happy but I'm not. Not at all actually I am so sad and
depressed that I avoid me... if that makes any sense. I am
lost in myself and only one person knows that and I sent
him out of my life. No one except him knows who I am... I
don't let people in... I let them see to a certain part of
me then I don't let them in anymore. People don't actually
know I do that, they probably think that's who I am. I play
a very good game at having people look at me differently
then how I see myself. I think the very worst of myself...
which I believe as true and have people see the fake happy
me. I don't know how much longer I can do this for. If i
don't change how I think and see myself and let people see
me then i will go nuts and who knows what I will do. I
already am starting to go nuts at least I think I am. I
just wish I could stop playing the game I play every single
day of my life and start being the real me... who ever that
is. Maybe the real me will be happy and beauiful and all
that good stuff that I truly believe that I am far from.




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