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2003-05-22 18:25:31 (UTC)

these days

my heads been reeling lately . maybe cause this is the last
week of work and i havent been doing much. maybe cause i
just graduated. maybe cause i feel like im getting old.
maybe because i feel like i am supposed to have figured
something out by now. and i havent. maybe because i just
switched pills again and its making me emotional. i was
reading the sports section of the times on the train this
morning and was getting all teary eyed reading about roger
clemens. i wanted to bawl. reading about him being this
wonder pitcher when he was twenty, thinking about twenty
years, doing this thing you are amazing at for twenty
years, and reading about his mom, and everyone booing him
at fenway and the mentality he must have. i always get like
that tho, about things baseball. everytime i walk into
yankee stadium i feel kinda the same way i do as everytime
i look at the skyline.

i feel overwhelming self hatred. i look at myself in the
mirror this morning, plucking my chin hairs. i dont have
time to get waxed today. i want this hair from my legs
gone. i m gonna do the bikini too, even tho no one will
see. the next time someone takes my pants off, bats will
fly out and i will have forgotten what its like to have a
sweet tongue rubbing my clit. like last time. it had been
so long i didnt even remember what it felt like. i do not
want another two years to go by without being touched like
that. it eates away at you, all that time. but i dont think
i can handle the stranger thing. i really do need to know
its not just bullshit. i dont think i can have casual
anything. meaning get drunk and suck some strangers face
and other body parts. and i know i i know my chances have
always been slim for love. i know that, i know im not the
kind of girl men like. and the ones that do, it s just
always too fucked up to be a normal working relationship.

so i feel fat, ugly, hairy and insatiably horny. i keep
having thoughts, contradictory thoughts. and not of the
usual kind, big ones. i feel like i need a good cry.
questioning my big major beliefs. #1 i dont believe in
mistakes or regret. #2 i believe in working with the world
#3 i believe in people , in faith, in love and ive just
been thinking what if its all a load a crap, all of it? i
cant stand the thought that nothing is real. i need for
something to be real. i need that stupid something to hold
why am i attracted to the kind of people and places i am
attracted to? bars, alcoholic bars. i feel confortable
there in places like that. irish bars. chris. self
destruction. fucked up people. unbalanced. makes things
interesting for me. why? because thats whats at my core?
because thats what feels like home? People who FEEL things,
feel them deeply. who livehow much they feel. maybe i
admire chris. for living successfully in the world and then
taking himself out of it. i dontr think i like artists. who
glorify themselves. i think tahts why ive been going for
the professionals.

i believe in life. life is a mircale, a gift, and ive been
thinking maybe the people who commit suicide are really the
only ones who know whats going on. maybe i had it all down
when i was 15. the world is all pain and suffereing and is
all a huge joke. how i felt about the fairies laughing at
me when i was young? that lived in my ceiling fan? maybe
there are thousands of fairies, and they are laughing at us

i dont want to be this morbid depression. i dont believe
this stuff. im a positive thinker.

i was watching the juggler wearing the suit at the circus
last night. he was a great juggler. i liked that he was
wearing a suit. i thought to myself " i could fall in love
with him." i am imporessed by talent. contradiction. i
fall in love with contradictions.
chris. always chris these days. a brilliant, intelligent,
deep thinker and feeler, who loves and experiences more
than anyone i know. who is also a selfdestructive

what if there are supposed-to's? what if i totally fucked
up? what if there really is no such thing as love? didnt
the mention of love start i the 14century or something?
what if there are people controlling what we know, think,
feel? what am i going to do if i never know? what if this
IS all a joke? what if all of this is just to fill up space
and time to trick us? makeus think time is flowing in some
kind of DIRECTION? music, books, movies, all the things i
love... just to trick us...
how then do you explain peoples gifts? being born with a
big booming voice?
was thinking this stuff yesterday on the train... got off
on union square to swtich to the N... and there was this
guy playing the keyboard and singing , had the most goddamn
beautiful voice. and for a minute, he neagted all my bad
thoughts. all my unsure thoughts. he made life make some
sense, with that voice.

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