2003-05-22 06:26:14 (UTC)


sooooooo much has happened, and yet nothing really. ive
really learned a lot about the world, justice, the
philosophy of socialism, etc. well, where to start... i
guess i should start out vague...

ok, here's my 2-day old theory. everyone should be treated
equal. equal paychecks, equal oppurtunities, just equality
for all. don't think im just some moronic beatnik hippie,
here's my logic: we are not created equal, so we do things
differently and work at different intensities. that's
exactly why we should have equal treatment. ok, for
instance, look at the mentally challenged. they have
special programs and help and welfare... why? because they
have a disability. take that same logic and apply it to the
lazy. to the uneducated. to the weak. to the lost. to
everyone. everyone does the best they can, truly the best
they can with the given conditions. lazy people may not
work hard, but considering that laziness has inflicted
their lives and they can't do anything about it, they're
doing the best they can. of course they can change it, but
only with the influence of other people, or their
environment. they don't change by themselves, no one does,
it needs an outside influence. therefore, nobody is truly
responcible for their actions. its almost like a pseudo-
fatalist kinda way of thinking. so, if everyone is doing
the best they can (actually, everyone is doing things the
ONLY way they can) everyone deserves the same treatment.
why should someone else get treated differently than
someone else? this is just another branch of reasoning for

now, back to something else. something's up. quasi-mercury.
she fits many qualifications, and then some. she's on the
far left, but not so far left that she abandoned logic. she
seems compassionate enough. she's definitely the pragmatic
version of mercury. she's a feminist revolutionary, and we
agree on many views. obviously, im shy, so the chance to
have a deep conversation has eluded me, but from what ive
seen, she has very worthy views. she has expereinced
poverty worldwide and is really conscious of the shit we're
in. but here's what makes her worth mentioning: she, too,
is a victim of self-mutilation. i saw it on her arm, her
left arm is full of cuts, very simliar to mine. this could
mean so many different things. i only discovered it today,
so im still contemplating what it could be. im not going to
even start listing what the reason(s) could be. anyway,
this has given me inspirition. inspiration for SHIT THERE'S
A SPIDER IN MY ROOM.phew. the fact that she cuts herself
has shown me that she faces pain. immense pain. so much
pain that physical pain is an escape. but she has survived.
she is a survivor. despite whatever shit may be facing,
whatever the unfair stupid oppressive unnatural sad pain
she's facing, she lives. she not only lives, she lives to
the fullest, she's very social, very talkative, very open,
helpful, etc. she's one of the few positive factors in the
world. so i should try to be like her. don't let the pain
control you, dont be a victim, live on, fight it, fight it,
fight it, fight it, fight it for as long as you live. i
love her, not romantically, but i love her, in a spiritual
and real way. hard to explain. but if i wish to deepen our
relationship, learn more about each other and make each
other stronger, i should cut myself. i cut myself a little
a few days ago, barely any, just a few scratches on the
wrist, but i felt something. deep down, it stirred
something. i know if i cut myself more, i can learn. i cut
myself to understand. i will also be able to relate to her,
etc. i really think that selfmutilation is a cure. maybe.
its worth a fuckin shot, what do i have to lose? im already
practically dead, this will only make me stronger. its a
fucky issue, but i need to explore. i can't live like this
anymore. i need change. i need to experience life at its
very bottom, to really understand life. there's still so
much that i don't understand. i can't comprehend so many
things, i need to speak out more. i had a deep
political/social talk with eric tonight, we learned a lot.
i basically told him about my theory up there. he also
talked to me about speaking out more. what do i have to
lose? im killing innocent lives. the more i hold back, the
more lives will be lost from the machine. this isn't just
some stupid hobby. there are people suffering as we speak.
i don't want to abandon them. the unmarked grave still
remains. we were having a discussion in english class about
if society should take care of the unfortunate. that's
where my theory emerged. i wanted to say it and share it
with others, but i knew i would mess it up. well, no more.
fuck it all. fuck society. freedom from that pain. ill
transfer that pain to self mutilation and keep fighting.
ill be like sam. ill become stronger. i will help others. i
will save lives. i will be an individual and help the
world. this threat is very much for real. this isn't some
little issue where the climax takes place at city hall.
this is a world wide fuckin revolution that will be in
history books and be present everywhere. this is life. this
is existence. this is God's creation brewing. this was
meant to take place. this is the time. i won't wait any
longer. i will fight. i will fight. i will fight.