Kinarra

Diary of an American Witch
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2003-05-22 06:24:49 (UTC)

A funny thing happened on the way to maturity

So I was reading some of the past entries in my paper diary
last night. They were bad. I mean, the things I used to
believe about myself! Good grief!

I was reading all these things that I had written, all
these depressing, hopeless things, and it surprised me.
That I was ever a person who would truly believe that I was
hopeless, and worthless feels so astounding. I actually
threw the papers in the trash and said "well, that's all
bullshit."

I guess that's the measure of how much I have grown as a
person in the past few months. I really have confidence in
myself now, and I don't have to work at being happy
anymore, I just am.
I think the best part of all of this is that I can say that
I did it myself. I didn't, and don't, need to lean on
someone else to be able to feel this way, my happiness is
not due to the love of someone else, it's because I believe
in myself, because I have confidence in my own abilities.

Remember what I wrote about love junkies? Well, it all
ties in together I think. People who rely on the love of
another to make themselves feel happy, and confident, are
never truly happy, and they are never truly confident. And
what happens when that love fails? Well, they go back to
being kind of hollow inside, and sad, because their
confidence fix is gone.

Don't get me wrong, love is a great thing. Im not in love
right now, just for the record, the guy and I are as we
are, and Im good with that, and I think that anymore at
this stage in my life might be too much. I don't want to
return to my old love junkie days, I like where I am right
now too much to go back. But Id like to think that someday
I will find a love that is right for me, a love, and not a
fix. And the idea of having that love is not an all
consuming quest anymore, it will happen when it happens,
and Im ok with that.

I hate to say this, and I know it's going to sound petty,
but I think getting Jamie out of my life is what turned it
all around for me.
Somehow......gosh, how do I explain it?........The man was
just bad for me. He was like this big black hole in my
life, draining away all the things that could have helped
make me a better, stronger person. I think I described it
best when I said that our relationship was a wound that we
never would let heal. It wasn't good, or healthy for
either of us. We were both trying to make the other into a
person that they just couldn't be, and each time I didn't
live up to his expectations, the guilt I felt made me just
a bit weaker, a bit more of a love junkie.
He has a diary here. And I can't tell you how many times I
have been tempted to look it up. Just to check in on him,
and see if he is getting along alright, but I don't,
because I know that's the worst possible thing I could do
to myself. It is very much like an addiction in some
ways. It's just too bad they don't make the relationship
patch. YOu know, so you can gradually step down from your
addiction to a bad relationship.

Well, that's all over now, I left Jamie in the past a long
time ago, and Im all the better for it.But my whole point
was that once I made an effort to not make the quest for
love the center ring of my life, everything improved. And
it just surprised me how different I am now, compared to
who I was back then.

Oh of course, Im not perfect, I still have trouble with
little things, like getting gas in my car still makes me
nervous sometimes because it is a break in my usual daily
routiene, and Im still a terrible flirt (though, I have
made great steps in fixing that) and because my face is all
cleared up, and the acne scars are all but gone now, and I
have dropped a good 15 pounds, and gotten my old, flat
stomach back, I sometimes have to watch it because I could
tip over the line and start becoming arrogant, and vain.(Im
working on that too).
But I take care of myself now, both my body, and my soul,
and I have found peace with who I am.

I wonder if this is what being mature feels like?

huhmmmmm, maybe.

Most happy thinking.

Kinarra


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