zealand

Uniquness in Zealand Form
2003-05-21 23:58:47 (UTC)

Feelings. Confused. Scared.

"I get confused when I'm tired
The last time I saw you
you were in a room with
sunshine in my eyes and
water on the floor
I watched you float away
take me with you"

Jesse and I are not Jesse and I at the moment. It is really
hard for me right now to not be selfish. I just want some
comfort. Someone to hold me when I cry, which I have been
doing more than once a day since Thursday. Though everyone
I'm really close to can't handle people crying. Matt,
Justin, Denise, and Jesse I know can't. I really don't know
who I can talk to. I know I have people here for me, but I
don't feel like putting my burdens on anyone anymore. These
are supposed to be my feelings and my problems why do I feel
the need to tell people about it? My heart hurts so badly.
It feels like it's being shredded and do you know what the
worst fucking pain is? It has nothing to do with me and I
can't do anything about it. Jesse isn't happy, and I can't
make him happy. I don't know how to comfort him... if would
even be okay for me to comfort him. I want to hold him. You
know this is really hard with me, but I wouldn't care about
any of it if Jesse were to be happy. I sound so corney, but
I was thinking about it a lot and that's really the truth. I
love the boy and he is my best friend. He treats me how I
always wanted to be treated. I just want to find a way to
return the kindness... but apparently it's hard. Because I
thought I was treating him well, but he said that I have
been giving him an attitude. Ouch. He said that it was for
the last two weeks. I can recall a couple times over maybe
the past weekend, but not that often. I hurt him. I fucking
hurt him. I am probably still hurting him right now... at
this very moment. And that hurts me a whole lot. You know I
haven't felt this much weather it be happiness or saddness
since Justin broke up with me, but it's strange because I am
twenty times sadder than I was then and about fifty times
happier than I was. I hate to compare the two, but I just
can't help it. This relationship is so much better than the
one I had with Justin. With Jesse it feels so real. Like a
lot of times with Justin I felt like one of us was always
pretending... and we couldn't talk. I can talk with Jesse,
even when we aren't okay with our relationship. Yesterday we
were on the phone for like two and a half hours. It was
wonderful and devistating at the same time. He was there for
me when I was in pain. I was in so much pain... I am still
feeling the pain actually. He would like talk me through it
and I don't think he knows how much that ment to me. It ment
more than I could say. I can't really recall when I ever
felt for anyone so much where I would give up everything for
their happiness. You know even if he becomes happy and we
don't get back together I think that it would be worth it
all the way. Deffinately... and I truely think that's the
most important thing right now in my life. I wish I knew how
he felt... I know for a fact I'm not the only one feeling so
horrible. I know he must feel somewhat like I do, if not the
same or more. I want him to be happy. I want to ask him...
would that be wrong to do? Is it wrong to want to hang out
with him? I don't know... blah.

Jill is now coming over so we can talk. She needs me and I
am so here for her. I think I wrote a lot. So I'm going now.

Everything is hard...




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