The psychotic harlequin

HarLequin tales
2003-05-21 15:34:55 (UTC)

I write some pretty good shit...

I was rummaging through my stuff when I found my black
notebook. It was my diary before... when I felt like
writing by the hour, or by the minute. I didn't like
dwelling in myself all alone and shit like that before..
but I write some pretty good shit. So I'm gonna re-type it
right here for others to possibly benefit from it. If not
then shove it up yours. Here it goes.

People, all of them, are lonely. They just dont feel like
it because they keep busy. They blind themselves with
pleasure and sometimes even pain so they wouldn't feel
lonely. But few know, truly know, that they're all
lonely,really. We're all alone. And you only get to think
of your emptiness when you're not doing anything. They even
use religion to block out their loneliness sometimes. They
all use religion, or fun, or enjoyment, or pain, or
whatever it is they use to fill the silence that haunts the
inner chasms of their silent being. Now see? I ramble on
because I dwell in loneliness. I'm pessimistic.But could
this be only the dark side of life? Maybe I'm just too
analytic about life...

there's too much silence it's deafening. There's too much
pain it's killing me inside. There's too much crap I'm
drowning in it. Maybe its human to turn away from the
silence. Maybe it's supposed to be what you do. Maybe going
through all the pain & suffering of living is the reason
for life. To feel is human. Not to feel is not. Maybe you
have to fill yourself with the noise so you won't be
engulfed by the travesty that is yourself.

I applaud myself. It makes so much sense. So much it scares
me. I should go through the pains of love again. This I
wrote when my ex boyfriend wasnt calling. You should know
now he only looks for sex at the young age of 14. He hasn't
even turned 15 yet which would be on September & he
stupidly asks me if I've had sex already... he expects I
have. He expects me to be the whore that he is.

He probably thinks I'm as broken as he is. Tsk tsk...
pitiful creature... Trapped by hormonial brainwashing. Eh..
but I don't care anymore. He can do as he pleases. As long
as I don't see his wretched face again. Which he insists on
doing... It's probably how he kills his silence. By playing
the role of the asshole ex in my life. Well as long as he
enjoys himself.

I didn't say I was free from my unselfishness. This is
actually the antidote to my dark self. My morality. Which
everyone has... Dark is right. there should be Death to
morality. I'd be a person full of happiness if only there
wasn't morality in this world... Or maybe I'd be dead. Even
better. I know some people who'd just love to see me
bleeding myself lifeless on the floor. But then again, a
lot of people I know don't want that.

I wonder why I'm like this... so much love yet even if I
most times embrace it I'm still that psycho in the nuthouse
that is my head. It then turns into the crap that drowns
me, as my caring back rebounds on me as "trying hard".

*sigh* people my age in this country are so stupid. It is
probably with their stupidity that their silence is
suppressed.

It can never be killed. It is constantly there.. no matter
how hard you try. Because it's everywhere... It would cause
you all the shit in life.

Maybe I am trying too hard. I'm given the chance not to
give a shit. This is an opportunity to suppress the moral
side of me. Maybe that's why I've been so crazy today. Its
my natural high... being crazy, talking to myself, voicing
out the things in my head... my sister said I talked about
too much blood again. Like before. and told my mom on the
phone.And she asked me what was wrong... nothing mother its
just the voices talking to me again.

This is getting too long.

I have decided on a new line of life ; I will do as I
damn well please.

-psycho harlequin-




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