Meesa and Leglin's secret pi

moshing kiwis
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2003-05-21 00:12:27 (UTC)


I've finally gotten around to writing. I always read the
journal, but lately I've been soo lost I havnt been in the
mood to do anything. This week, the suicides was more than
enough for me. One guy from Cedar in grade 9 hung
himself. I didnt know him that well. His name was James
McGuire, I met him once way back in the day, but still
finding out about it really hurt, i just wanted to kill the
world population of people who wanted to do it because it's
such a waste of everything. That day I also found out some
guy from NDSS killed himself too. I didnt know who he was,
I was still really upset....So i havnt been myself lately,
i've been kinda edgy (sorry),,,but the next day I was
talking to Jas (one of my ex's) and i asked him who it was
(cause he goes to NDSS) and he said Beau Keller. I told
him that he's lying and that there is only one Beau Keller
that goes to NDSS, and I got mad at him for lying. I guess
I didnt want to realize it. So he showed me a picture of
Beau, and worst comes to worst, its was the same Beau on
the beaches in the summer with me playing drinking games,
camping around the fire, smoking a joint. Maybe he did
seem kinda....iunno, but i just froze, i told Jas I had to
go, he tried to stop me, but I just ran, and I couldnt
believe it. but, as a guy said once (that i argued with
him for hours about it) shit happens. I hate that saying
and I cringe to hear it and to say it, but I guess it's
true. Bah, I dont usually give in that easy, but i realize
it's too late and there's nothing to do about it. So, shit
happens! there!! Such a weird week.
Hmm what else is new, my bf spent a couple nights at my
house... when my mom was guess....i
dont know...i didnt do anything with him cause i'm not that
kind of person, infact, i almost pity him cause im square
and a tease, i mean, i invite him to spend the night here
and i barely let him kiss me..haha...poor guy, sucks to be
him.... but i'm really starting to like,
dont laugh at me....i think i'm..not in love with him, but
i'm starting to think i could possibly day in
the far future. But like my heart is being slowly
defrosted to lovy dovy shit...muahahaha, yes, im pathetic,
im still never getting married....
I decided I have the best friends in the world. All of
them.....Even though some of them are wacked, i love them
all.....I know that if I ever need any of them, they'll be
there soo quickly, and they'll give me a hug....and i like
knowing that. And I will also be there for any of my
friends, or my enemies if they needed a hug, but i dont
have any enemies...i wish I did, because iunno, when you're
in a bad mood you can always bad mouth them. ...but i dont
believe in bad mouthing because everyone has a good heart
and their own reasons....either way..i just thought id
recognize that.
Meghan is really great too, and the whole thing she
apologized for...well i'll tell you what I think, and
she'll probably read this...part of me wants to cry for her
thinking she has nothing left to live for, and doesnt want
to stick around to see what the other 60 years of her life
has to offer. another part of me wants to kick her ass,
because that easy way out is for pussys..abd meghan, you've
proved to me ur not a pussy. many times....ur strong, and
you're definetly have so much going for you, for forget
about everyone else around you, especially those bringing
you down and just be happy, look forward to the rest of
your life, cause the hormonal stage is almost over....and
nothing is worth killing yourself over. I know it sounds
easy and such. But just think what you'd do if I killed
myself, or if Brent killed himself....dont be selfish!!!!
You're not the only one you exist exist for
everyone, you dont have to listen to them , you dont have
to like them, but it's all part of ur were
here for a reason......DUH! And another part of me wants to
hug you and cry for thinking that way or attempting
it....cause there is absolutely no reason to..ur not
alone..ur not the only one going through a hard time. ur
not nothing, ur not handicapp, lol, you're a wonderful,
beautiful sensitive, funny, creative, talented person, ur a
gift to this world, and i dont want to lose you....Another
part of me wants to say ' do what ur heart tells you to, if
you think it's worth it and you'll be happier, then do it,
escape from this trouble filled world' Because I
understand what it's like too be depressed.........I know
what it's like to cut myself up into peices, one day i
should should you a picture of my arm, how it was a while
ago, i drew it, from what i saw, my arm looked like it, i
would carve things into my arms and legs about half an
inch, i would engrave letters which meant things to reasons why I should die..i used try to kill
myself often too, lol, but i dont want to get into this
right now, i'm just saying i realized i have great friends,
the world goes on whether i'm here or not, but some ppls
might not, i also deicded i'll die when its my time to die
and while I'm here i'm going to offer as much to the world
as I possibly can. And I felt better once I realized all
this. Cause I dont have the nicest life in the world. But
I have one of the nicest. Meghan, you have everything you
have parents who might get on ur nerves, but love you and
want the best for you. you have grandparents that are
cool, and grandparents that are old fashioned, but thats
just cause that's how they were raised, you have loving
friends, you have guys all over you, you have amzing
talent, you have beauty, you have an amazing voice,
creativity, a good brain, and love, for others and
urself....and a house, and food...very picky food at that,
ur hard to even have a
happy, appreciate what you
have..................................I sound corny, but
it's all have the world on a silver platter
hun...................dont forget it and dont forget all
the good with the bad..YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE!!!!! Too many
ppl are dying already, i cant take it....

Kiwi bird has been hitting on me soo much, he keeps wanting
me to go to timmy ho's with him. He's kewl to hang out
with, but the thing is when I do, he's all over me, and
last time he was telling me stuff that I couldnt hear, like
how he liked me, i felt soo guilty i just wanted to go
home. it makes me feel even more guilty because it's late
at night usually, and i have a bf who wouldnt even agree to
the 2 of us hanging out.....but im serious. I can talk to
kiwi bird about anything, and as cold hearted as he seems,
he's realy nice and kewl and understanding,....but i like
him as a friend, and he likes me more than that, but if i
start to hang with him as much as he wants me too i'm
afraid i'm going to ruin everything, like my trust with my
parents (cause he's older), my relationship with my bf, and
my friendship with him, but i feel bad not, cause we're
friends and he talks to me just as much as I talk to
him...and he told me i'm one of the only ppl he trusts
right now....bah, this is some of the problems that having
a bf going to go
now....but im gunna write more later, its just I have a
meeting to go to. ANOTHER STUPID MEETING.BAH!!!
Love ya'll