Deception's Disciple

Book of Lies
2003-05-19 01:57:55 (UTC)

Trust No One

Why is it that when you feel alone, and you think no one
understands you.... you're probably right?

I HATE birthdays. As much as I like to party and get drunk
to forget all my problems, I find that having a birthday
attatched to that drunkin fun, usually ruins my day. There
is just something about some elses happiness that always
infringes on my happiness too.

It's going to be my best friends birthday soo, and although
we are the type to make it last a week, that means the bad
things that happen to me also last a week. I realize that I
am selfcentered for even thinking about myself during what
most would consider a great time, but I just can't help
always feeling like I've been jipped of the good things in
life. (i guess I watch too much television)

I woke up this morning knowing that I would probably take
myself out by the evening. And I really did try to make the
day go quickly and keep myself occupied. But, as the story
goes, I hardly ever achieve my goals. I was supposed to go
have a fun night and get my mind off my worries by going
out with my good friend and her boy toy. But, as usual the
plans fell through.

I'mn tired of depending on people... actually, let me
rephrase.

I will no longer depend on anyone else.

It has gotten to the point where no one in this world keeps
their word anymore. Promises stand for nothing but
shattered dreams and false hopes. No wonder todays youths
are emotionally scared. When you let a child down as much
as I have been let down, I know that they will never trust
or believe. Hopes of god and relationships that are the
backbone of living will be plagued with dishonesty, remorse
and pessimism becuase every comment made and every gesture
will be second thought and doubted.... and doubt hurts both
parties. I wish that one day someone will have the juts to
speak their mind and tell the truth, the world would be a
better place for it. There would be a lot less
misunderstandings, and fewer complications. And I bet I
could feel alot less empty if I knew exactly what was
thought of me. I'm mean, if I knew that I would have to
depend on myself, I bet that I would do a better job than
me feeling like i must rely on everyone else.

I would cheer me up if my day went wrong, I would bake
myself cakes on my birthday, and I would reassure myself of
anything that I felt I needed reassuring about. I wouldn't
ignore me, I wouldn't feel sorry for me, I wouldn't feel
obligated to tend to my silent crys (as if anyone does that
now) most of all I would be honest with myself, and I
wouldn't let me down. 'Cause all the stuff that I would do
for myself are things that true friends should do. I guess
I'm just still looking for mine...well, I always got me.




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