SweetJadeWhite78

Pandora
2003-05-18 04:27:45 (UTC)

a monkey

so its now ten nineteen, within the hour of the last
interaction i will ever have with the monkey. 3 years of
misery. three years of tormenting myself. three years on
top of two other years that were wasted on a mother fucker
that is, and will never give a shit about me. i knew love
for them. they never knew love for me. not like i did
for them. they just sat there and took what they wanted
from me. while i sat there and got nothing. the worst
men that were ever in my life. no support. no love. no
understaning. with fucking monkey there wasn't even a
fucking relationship. just a never ending cycle that
started with a bunch of people that all ended living in
the same house. that all lived there for three years.
that all loved fight club. i'll never understand.
never. he could sit there, and have the most passionate,
intense sexual (but no sex) experiences of my and probably
his life. and no emotion ever came with that for him.
never a thought past that. never a thought past this
feels good for me. sure its not really his fault cuz on
his side of things it all seemed good. sure i was a
fucking wreck sometimes, and we would always stop then.
because he didnt' want to cause me pain. he called us
friends. i can barely type that fucking word. for which
he is not, was never, and will never be. he always kept
his friends and his lovers separate. all of his friends
are shit. they're all assholes too. even the women he
spent time with, except for one girl, were all fucking
bitches too. and his best friend that he idolized over
everyone else, the biggest womanizer on the face of the
planet, who was completely disrespectful, and belligerent
and a person that i had to lock my door when he came into
town. i can say this though. he at least kissed me once.
for
three years. i let myself be a whore. let myself accept
only what i was given. he only got me off twice. in two
years. so why did it hold me like that. yeah that's a
whole nother story. for right now i'm just going to keep
talking about monkey and about how much i really do hate
him, and how he is gone from my life and that is probably
literally one of the best things that has happened to me,
in my twenties. i'll remember how he looked into my eyes
one last time, knowing both of us, all that we were
leaving. all the dysfunction that a relationship could
possibly be. he brought out the worst in me. you can see
that in this message.
although i still think his worse is worse than mine,
because at least i feel something. he was in love he says
with a girl. i don't think he'll ever know love. i'm
starting to wonder if i myself will ever feel the true
feeling. feeds the beast i have within me. he has given
me energy that i must remember. that's what i must
remember from this. two things. Never to let a man have
more than a day of me if he isn't going to appeciate what
it is he really has. and two. that what this gave me was
energy to channel into every other area of my life. to
have the last laugh. to not ever talk to him again, after
he says to me, well i'm sure this isn't really goodbye.
we'll see each other online i'm sure. i wouldn't be so
sure if i were him. not that even that would cause him to
have a second thought. he'll never give me what i want.
he'll never have a moment of pain knowing that he'll never
see me, or talk to me, or touch me again. at least. at
least he didn't fuck me. i'm so glad he didn't fuck me.
i hope that every other girl that he fucks that they know,
that he probably doesn't give a fuck about them. and he
doesn't
respect them. he never respected me in anyway but that.
that was the only way. at least i thought. and now
luckily it means that i
can probably say no to anyone. for a very long time. and
i'm a much much better singer now than i ever was before.
and i can say with confidence, fuck everyone else.
because they aren't shit. i'm the one that's real. i'm
the one that is willing to give of myself. i'm not the
one that's one hundred percent selfish all the time. like
my fucking mother.

so maybe i'll write a little mock fuck off letter to
eric. just for shits and giggles.
this is the letter that i will send. if he ever
speaks.
eric.
this is the end. this is goodbye. you have absolutely
been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i'm
writing this all because i need this to feel over for good
and to know i can leave everything that has happened with
you behind me, so i can say goodbye. when i'm laying in my
bed and i feel the beating of my own heart pounding
through my chest i know its time. time to say goodbye to
the boy that never had a second thought for me. i've
always been a lover to you, and anything else was just
fallacy so we could get along while we lived in the same
building. you hurt me, and yet i still stood there, i let
you hurt me, again and again and again. even when you
never knew the pain it was causing me. to have the most
intense amazing sexual experiences of my life, and to have
them all without love. it has torn me because i need what
we had. i need intensity. and i need great sex too. but
never again will i take those two without the other. if
there ever was a promise i should keep, this would be it.
i know you could do what you did, and enjoy it, and never
have love just objectify and pleasure. i'll never
understand that. i can't. its not within me to. energy
you gave me yes. so much that i couldnt' control it and
it sent me into rages of anger elation passion and tears.
i hate you yes. but i love you too. its funny but some
things never change. some things never will. and like
i've said, you're a weakness for me. for about two weeks
or so i was really ok. i could be on that level with you,
and play the same way you played, and not let anything
else get in the way. but once again it didn't stay there.
and once again i said nothing because i knew that would
mean you would still come to my room one more time. i'm
an artist a romantic an idealist and all of those things
rolled into one means that love and passion both have to
exist. if they don't, i am destroyed and negative and
ugly. i sing now like i've never sung before. i feel the
depth of emotion of a hollow place that i can express,
that i can give the world. and i suppose i'm supposed to
thank you for that. i probably would, but i don't know -
if i could go back, and not know that depth, if i could go
back, and choose for you not to exist for me. maybe i
would, not because you are a bad person, or that you're an
asshole, just because it hurts so badly. so as much as i
wish i could say i can be the better person, that i can
talk to you, after all this. well i'm not. and i can't.
i've already changed my online name, you never asked for
my number in the three years we knew each other, so we
shouldn't have any problems staying far far away from each
other. and yeah it hurts like hell to say this. but it
hurts like heaven and hell to look into your eyes too, so
there's not much else i can do. but say goodbye.
Carrie.




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