Digital Hippy

One Thing 'Bout Music When It Hits Y
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2003-05-17 21:34:24 (UTC)

the movie-

Raven-
So its been a while again since i wrote, but i am back
like i always am. A lot has gone on. I tried to break up
with jason, and he basicially told me he couldn't accept
that. In time i felt bad for putting him in such a tail
spin... so we are together again. Today is actually our 1
year annaversary and instead of being absolutly
enthralled, i am kinda feeling nautious that i have spent
365 days of my life committed to the same person. I
didn't mean for that to happen. I don't think i am ready
for that yet. We have had a good time the last few times
ive seen him. I have realized that whenit comes to
running around like children and raising hell in the
summer, we get along fun but as soon as my focus shifts to
school and where i am going to be in a few years... and
how far i am going... his lack of direction and modivation
causes this rage within me that i can't explain but i
almost resent him for not seeing it himself.
The main issue that has prompted this diary entry is
an unexpected movie that i just saw 2 days ago. It is
called "Manic" and it has that guy from 3rd rock from the
sun in it... Joseph Gordon-Levitt or somethign along those
lines. Anyway... I just went cuz i had a pass... and i
didn't know if it was going to be anything to write home
about. I had seen the premier for the matrix the night
before... so i just figured since the timing was right...
i should go for it... and i did. Well with little or no
warning, i found myself smack dab in the middle of my
experience at Meadowwood psychiatric hospital. The movie
was about a guy named Lyle who had rage problems and got
placed in the institution because he beat some kid with a
baseball bat... and all the people he came in contact with
at the institution and things along those lines. The
eerie part was the characters paralleled the people i met
@ Meadowwood and the placed looked the same and even the
director was the same. For example, this movie had a
blonde white thug guy who had rage issues and at the place
in which i was incarcerated, there was a blonde thug guy
with rage issues. I kept thinking in my mind that i
seemed like this guy with curly black hair in the movie.
he actually co-wrote it. Music was this characters
passion and it was what made him tick. Otherwise he
appeared to just be a loudmouth cheerie person just like
me, but then at one point, the character sat at a table
during quiet time slitting his arm, and then he held an
employee @ knifepoint and slit his jugular. This was a
dramatization of me during sporadic points in my life.
The happier i appeared, the more alone and upset i felt.
It was a facade and i could go from jeckyl to hyde in a
split second. The movie ended when Lyle, who managed to
escape, began to run towards his dreams of living in
Amsterdam and starting over. A bus came to take him
away... the sky was the limit, but instead of boarding the
bus, he began to run back... towards the institution. He
recognized the fact that he had a rage problem. It was
great. It was SO well done. The details i had to deal
with... taking medicane then having to lift your tongue so
they could look in your mouth, and how everybody bonded so
when somebody got to go home, we all cried, but how we
cried more when they came back. The drawing on the walls
as an outlet... and i especially liked how the goth girl
found her outlet through painting, but how the guy wtih
the curly hair was depressed by paintings because they had
boarders.
The best part of the movie was definitly at the end,
when the film stopped, Y100 brought Joseph Gordon-Levitt
out. He felt so strongly about this movie that he is
touring the coast to answer questions about it. That for
one spoke out to me that this movie was soemthing else. I
was sooo impressed by this guy... and his passion and
understanding of this material. I was especially
impressed when he said that he will only act in movies
that he feels this strongly towards. HE said that he has
made his money through the sitcom and now he wants to make
a statement through is acting. So yeah, proceeding, this
very elite looking older couple a few rows behind me
raised their hand as if to ask a question, but they
proceeded to tell Joseph how the movie lacked realism, and
how the drug addicts and crazy people in reality can not
be helped and all this stuff along those lines. By the
end of their little schpiel, i had told jason several
times that i wanted to go punch them int he face. I also
felt myself starting to well up as they were talking... i
raised my hand and asked about the significance of the
house of cards and then i asked about the set and i also
told them that i had spent a large quantity of time in the
type of atmosphere they were trying to depict, and that it
was so realistic and well done that it was eerie.
When the question and answer session let out, i took
it upon myself to put this older couple in their place. I
went up to them outside the theater and told them that
they say young people have no respect, but that you can't
teach an old dog new tricks. I told them that society has
changed since the 1700's when they were my age and that
just because you use drugs or find yourself in a mental
institution doesn't mean you are a flake for life. People
go through problems and i personally have found myself in
both catagories previously in my life. I told them that
if they didn't like themovie they should have left before
the commentary afterwards opposed to bash it in front of
someone who believes so strongly in this movie that he is
going out of his way to educate. I told them that i
haven't seen film with that much thought and intellegence
behind it in quite some time and that i blamed it
completly on ignorance then i called them ignorant and
left. Yeeep... PMS or something... but it felt good.
So i think this movie has changed me, or gotten me
thinking about a chapter in the book of my life that i
kinda superglued the pages shut in. I started remembering
people that i hadn't thought about until i got out of that
place in early november 3 years ago. I couldnt sleep the
night after i saw that... and i began to read girl
interrupted... a book about a similar, though less
realistic experience... in my world anyway. I just had to
put that down before i lost the feeling.
Also new, i moved out of my dorm and i move in my new
place in 2 weeks. School is out and erin and i kinda got
sick of one antoher as the year ended. She is "that
girl". The one who doesn't follow the girl rules... the
unwritten onces... the code of respect... and that scares
me. She is beautiful and that gets her a lot of stuff,
but she slept with almost all of her good friends. She
slept with more people then i have in my entire life. She
put out the first date. She turns into an entirely
different person in the company of a guy and i can't
really respect people who can't respect themselves unless
they are being worshipped. Good luck to shannon.
that concludes this entry. tooooodles
~Lauren


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