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2003-05-16 09:00:56 (UTC)


why? why must i sit here and hide behind a mask of lonely
fear? fear that someone may discover me. i dont understand
myself anymore. i mean i tried for so long to hide myself,
my feelings, my...everything....from my friends and my
family. now, i want to open up, let someone inside, but i
cant. my mind, soul, and heart have hidden inside for so
long that now...they just dont understand how to open up. i
get so mad and frustrated with myself.

i gave my interview thing for the paper today. not only did
i make a jack ass out of myself, i made a fool of what i
went in there to do. i have never talked to anyone about
amy. no one that actually wanted to help me anyway. sure i
have talked about her to friends and a little bit of
family, but not someone who actually was a stranger and
gave a damn. it was really hard talking to her and i dont
think i gave her what she wanted. for that i apologize mia.
you deserved a good report, but i just cant give that to

i feel so alone about amy. i mean i try and tell everyone
that she was my sister, we were real close, yatta yatta
yatta, when thats not the entire truth. i hated amy. there
was nothing too it. i hated her until the day she died and
then it was like..."i miss her and want her back". i never
wanted her when she was alive. i write it that damn journal
every year and for what? i mean she wouldnt even remember
me if she was alive. it just hit me really hard about how
she died. i dont know anymore. i want to stop holding on to
someone that i know will never come back and someone that
it almost feels like a waste of time holding on too. not a
waste of time. but a lot of emotion, tears and heartache
goes into thinking about her.

my life is so fucked right now. i have no job, the wick is
ignoring me i swear. i called the other day, no response, i
called today, nothing. why dont they just fucking call me
and tell me, sorry you stupid bitch we dont want you! no
instead let me fucking hope that i might have a chance and
get deeper in fucking debt. i want to go to alberta. i just
dont know if i want to do the whole marshall thing just
yet. besides i dont have the fucking money to move all my
shit out there...again. i just cant make up my fucking mind
what province i want to live in. lol

i want to go back to alberta, i feel like that is where i
belong. at the same time i wonder if the only reason i want
to go back is to shut everyone up? i mean i know how happy
my dad would be. i know that krystal would finally shut her
fucking yap. lindsay wants me back and i know that. so i
wonder if i want to move back to make everyone else happy?
as for staying here, this is where my family is. this is
also where jess is and as much as she fucking makes me mad
sometimes, i love her and i cant stop. i get mad at her,
she starts to cry and i run back apologizing. its just like
a big fucking game. as much as i would love to stop playing
it, i cant. i want to spend the rest of my life with her
and i seriously thing that if she ever leaves me again,
thats it.

i have tried so hard to just forget about the last time she
left. i have her back now i cant dwell on what she did. but
i do. because it hurt so fucking much and made me at an all
time low. it hurt worse then finding out amy was dead...or
even uncle ivan. i didnt eat for over a week. i couldnt
sleep, it fucking hurt all over. i dont think she will ever
realize how hurt i was. i looked my mother in the fucking
eyes and told her i didn't see the point of living. and
sometimes when i look at jess and we dont talk about our
future anymore, i still think to myself what is the point?
if i cant have her for the rest of my life, then why should
i live anymore? i dont see a point

i dont see a point to much at all anymore. and it scares
me, alot

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