dfblacktshirt

Ya Mar
2003-05-15 01:58:18 (UTC)

oh man..

so..i think im in love. i've been thinking about it for a while
now..and..yep..i am. its like..i've been trying to justify it to myself..as
if its a bad thing..or i shouldnt be in love. but, you know..i
realized..there are so many different forms of love. i love rich. i
would do anything for him. i love my best friends, emily,garrett...i
love my family, i love my friends. its all different. and thats the
greatest thing about love. i've been worrying about saying i love
you to alec, because, i don't know what it means to him. i know
what it means to me, obviously..but..it could be extremely different.
but, i think im going to start saying it, and see what he does. or
maybe i'll talk to him about it. i was thinking that i was just telling
myself i was in love because i've been with him longer than any
other guy i've been with and blah blah blah, and, naturally its the
next step, but..then i realized..some of it is for that reason..i wouldnt
be with him still if i didnt have real feelings for him. so its logical. i
love him. i like him a lot. i feel for him. whatever you want to say. im
comitted to him, he's special to me, i would do almost anything to
make him happy, i want him to be happy, i want to be with him, i
want to make him laugh, i want to please him, i want to make him
think, i want to feel his arms around me..or my arms around him,
either way really..and if thats not some form of love, what is? i dont
even want to try and define forms like that. i think it should be
undefinable. it seems silly to define something like that..even
though i could..with some thought. its just..i know what i feel. and
sometimes i feel no need to justify it at all..but..sometimes i feel like
i have to tell everyone. because it makes me so happy..to know
msyelf. and i do, i know who i am and what i feel. garrett tells me
alec is 'head over heels' for me..but he hasnt said i love you either.
but its ok. because he obviously feels for me too, or he wouldnt be
with me still. its been a long time! almost six months. i dont know
what he's going to want to do about summer and college. instinct
tells me to break it off when i get home..or even before i
leave..because im tempted to say its unrealistic for us to be
together while he's in school. i dont want to be a burden to him, i
dont want him to be a burden to me. but, i also feel like sometimes
i have to have some faith in things, i have to stop being so entirely
pessimistic..maybe it could work out. but, i'll just wait to deal with it
when i have to. alec is smart. i dont think he's completely blinded
by me. i think i could have that power..but..i dont feel that i should
use it. he respects me. i love having him. i love him. i love my
boyfriend. i love alec. it feels good to say that. damn.




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