Ad 0:
Try a new drinks recipe site
2003-05-15 00:34:47 (UTC)

i can't live if living is without you...

so i guess i never updated you on what happened after i
got really mad... well eventually i ended up meeting up
with brian and brandon and we went to mike viola's and
katie went there and so did peter. we watched the rules of
attraction...which is a good movie. it's wed. at the
moment (that was saturday) and the week has been ok...ok
well it was kinda bad. now i described how i was feelign
to a good friends of mine (leslie) and she told me to look
at dsysthymia, which is a spontaneous depression thing
kinda. well i thought that kinda described how i felt and
i felt just a little better cus i now know what i'm
feeling isn't just me, other people, including some of my
friends may "suffer" from it too. so this is what's been
happening lately. i'll be hanging out with some friends
and everythings fine. i'm having a good time and actually
enjoying myself. once things begin to slow down a bit i
drift off and dont pay attention. once i come to i feel so
shitty. i just want to leave whereever i am and be alone.
i had a dream last night...well it's what i was thinking
about as i fell asleep. here's the background info on the
day...after school me, peter and pat went to target to get
the new alkaline trio cd. then we went to fazolis. then i
got dropped off and then drove to brian's house. then we
went to target and he bought the cd and brandon met us
there. then we went to wills. then to 711. then i dropped
brian off and me and brandon went to brandon's house. then
we picked up rachel and went to the mall. after the mall
we were taking rachel home and i stared out the window at
the moon and stars cus i wasn't part of the conversation
being held. i know they noticed i was paying no attention
but i usually just pretend i dont notice them looking at
me. so then when rachel got out of the car i got up front
and just leaned on my fist, elbow on the window. i guess
that look looks kinda like something's up cus brandon
asked...and in the past i would tell him, but this time i
just didn't so i said nothing. i drove to his house so my
car was still there so we got to his house and i drove
home. on the way home my eyes started tearing up for no
particular reason. this is the closest i've been to crying
in a while. like actually crying. so when i got home i
basically just went to bed after a little bit of talking
online. as i listened to dashboard and the tv silently
talked in the background i dozed off thinking of the time
when me and brandon were just hanging out at his house
earlier in the day. i kinda felt shitty then too, but
didn't say anything. i imagined that i basically couldn't
take it so said something to the extent of "i cant handle
this" and then proceeded to walk out of his house. i went
to my car and before i could turn it on i just emotionally
collapsed on my steering wheel. just put my head down adn
kept it down. now this is where i kinda stopped i wouldn't
know what brandon would really do in that situation so i
basically thought he might come out and see what was up
but after that i think i fell asleep. somehow i think
something like this will really happen sometime soon.
maybe not cry on my steering wheel, but maybe just get up
and leave someplace cus i cant handle my own emotions. and
i sound so pathetic saying that, but it's the truth. same
thing today, only it was at my house so i basically just
fell in and out of sleep while rachel and brandon did
whatever at my kitchen table. i'm so pathetic, and i dont
know why people would rather hang out with me than someone
alittle more upspirited or maybe more entertaining, but
whatever. this was a kinda mushy entry so i'll stop here
and leave it at that.