NikkieBaby

Gods_lil'_Gimpy
2003-05-14 19:30:24 (UTC)

I think...

I think my best bet is just to roll up into a teny tiny
ball, roll over, and then proceed to die... I can't seem to
shake this nervous streak in me... I know Why its there,
but I don't want to deal with it and I don't want to do
anything to help "better the situation" because every time
I do that... Bad things happen... and I can't deal with
anymore bad things right now... just can't... I feel like
I'm a disappointment in everyone's eyes.. maybe its just
because "I" know I could do better and I'm not. And I'm not
doing anything to change it either... Which is more or less
disappointing myself even more. I just really have this
feeling in me just wishing and hoping I wasn't here on
earth anymore cause I feel like I'm more of a problem and a
burden to everyone I meet than a help. My life goal is to
make others happy and to be the friend that everyone
needs... The one that doesn't put them down, but brings
them up! The one that everyone can trust and the one that
is there to help solve everyones problems. Well, I know I
don't make everyone happy, I know I haven't always been a
friend, I know that I've put people down before, and I know
that people don't always trust me, and I can't solve
everyone's problems... I know what you must be
thinking: "Everyone is like that, you can't expect yourself
to be the person you just described. Its impossible and no
one is perfect" Well, granted - good words of advice - but
its extreamly hard to think otherwise... I use to be a
different person when I was growing up... I also had no one
there for me to talk to or to comfort me or to tell me that
I'm special or that they love me or anything... No one to
tell me I'm good at something and that I'm going to go
places... I had no one at all... and I vowed I wouldn't let
myself let that happen to anyone else that I meet. If I
could make a difference in that persons life and I knew
that they were happy, then I was happy... Well, I don't
feel like I'm making people happy anymore... So therefor,
I'm not happy... I feel more like I'm hurting the people I
love the most, dragging them even further down into my
depressive state, and that I'm letting all the people who
are most important to me slip out from my fingertips... My
closest friends are in a lot of pain emotionally right now
and I can't do jack shit to help either of them... and that
is hurting me more than you could imagine... I mean, what
good of a friend can I be if I can't even help them out and
take away all their problems and their pain... and their
worry... Not much of one in my book... There's been a lot
of changes in my life in recent months... many of the
changes I have yet to figure out and even some, have yet to
even deal with... I don't know what to do. I feel lost and
torn in so many directions its not even funny. I just wish
that it would be the end already so I knew everything would
be ok... Maybe I should just end me... then everything for
everyone else would be ok and they wouldn't have a problem
like ME to deal with... Because I would be the end, and if
its the end, then it is all ok... And I just want it to be
all ok... (if there is) until next time...




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