2003-05-14 07:18:18 (UTC)

wake me up, and save me,

save me from the nothing i've become..

so its funny how sometimes it still hurts. sometimes i
think of that night at erica's and what was going through
his mind and how did he feel and these insane thoughts that
shouldn't matter 3 years later but they do.. so i cant
sleep anymore.. i'm always up til 5 if i get to sleep at
all and then i just want to sleep all day. i really dont
like my government teacher. he's one of those people that
says "pro-abortion" instead of pro-choice. and it makes me
want to scream. i wish i could go right now to
gainesville. because sometimes i feel like i want to
change my mind. like i forget why im even going. its like
sometimes, i think wait, whats the point. but when i take
the time to think about it, of course i KNOW the point..
but still. i hate having to worry always about money. why
cant i be on a plane to italy for 2 months like dawn. i
swear. my hair is getting really long. and sometimes i
like it. but more often i dont. and i want to cut it all
off but it seems like such a waste. all this time growing
it and working through this in-between icky stage. yeah
it's like matt. i dont want to walk away because ive
invested so much fucking time. and i dont want to cut my
hair. even though i know i'd be happier with both.
so i went to say goodbye to dawn tonight. and tracy and
avery were there. and i was like watching them thinking.
okay so yeah shes kinda a bitch and he's kinda goofy. but
they're still all CUTE like touchy and holding hands and
soo close all the time and it's been like, forever since
they've been together well over a year if not two. so why
the fuck cant i have that? can someone please tell me?
thats what i want. and thats what i want with him. and if
i just simply cant have it with him than make me stop
wanting him to call. and even more so, make him stop
i think im guna go in and sleep with mom. i feel really
alone tonight and not happy at all.