2003-05-13 18:46:20 (UTC)

let's organize here

so. as i havent gotten a proper nights sleep in more than a
week, my head is fuzzy and messy. also, this is graduation
week, so my head is even more fuzzy. at work, its ACT test
week, so there are many messy kids coming in afraid they
will fail.

lets examine some things in my head

number one... this feeling of being lost. this feeling of
now i am supposed to do something. this feeling of how to
become a writer. what is the work i have to do? i know i
have to set up a dailty schedule, but i am not going to do
that just yet. i am giving myself a Partying/braindead
grace period that is not to exceed the second week of june,
unless i go on vacation. as i will be working in july, it
wont really be able to go into effect until augast. so
AUGUST is when i will begin to strictly adhere to a writing
schedule. i will go to book stores and look for journals
and magazines i can submit to. i will also look at online

number two... i will decorate and make my apartment homey

number three... i am allowed to be a lush during
birthday/graduation time, but still must stick to my no
more than two consecutive wasted nights, as i am within a
delicate balance that too much drinking totally throws off.
after mid-june, i must severly cut down on drinking.
actively explore the speldors of the city, live how i did
in florence

number three... not excpct to do this exploring and
activities with people. it is OK if i am alone. this
constant need to be around people is no good. i need to
practice being alone for said secluision hours that will be
set aside for writing

number four... read more , for pleasure and above reasons.
always be reading a book.

number five... continue to apply big black X and behhhhhhh
visualization tactics when you think about chris. repeat to
yourself over and over , espcecially when you have your
period, that you do not want to get back together with him.
that you are smart and always have known what you need/want
in a man and that you know he cannot do for you what you
need. (even as i am typing this, my fingers are slowing
down because these fingers know they are not speaking the
fill truth. these fingers know how much my body and mind
still feels and the projector slide that goes along with it
all. although they do know it is not not not a good idea to
get back with him. that yes he understood me like no other
guy did, yes his skin exuded comfort, yes our skins
exchanged comfort easily, yes we rode all the same
wavelengths which made communication smooth... and yes
nothing is perfect... but i am too sensitive for him, he
is right. i do need someone i can depend on. i cant
dispense all this love onto someone who i cant count on to
be there, physically, mentally.

remember florence sara. carefree going with the flow, happy
unburdened florence sara/ she still lives in you, always
will, and its not that boys disrupt your peace, its just
that you havent found the right one that gives you the
peace back that they take...

remeber what you think of couples... how they get back
together becayse they are lonely and horny. remember how
pathetic you think that is. (cause it is)....
you are so much better, and smarter that so many people
really... hahahaha