starry nite

my own world
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2003-05-12 23:47:49 (UTC)

fixations

i hate this. when thoughts of the past come back to haunt
you. i get like this sometimes. when all i do is fixate on
things from my past that i regret or things i long to have
back. i hate it. i cant change whats past and i cant have
back what ive lost so why cant i just move on?
my relationship with james was great in the beginning,
when we got back together though(when he got out of jail)
it just wasnt ever the same. good for a while, the shit. i
was miserable. cutting all the time, and being used for
sex. i wanted to just get out of the relationship. i
wanted to just end my life. nothing was going right, and i
always felt like shit. now its over, i havent even seen
him in 11 months almost. i should be happy right? well i
am most the time. but there are times i want him back. i
know it would be bad for me, but there are times when i
only think about what was good. then i long for him. the
feeling i got when he kissed me or when he held me in his
arms was so amazing. those are the things i think about
when i am fixating on him. when i feel so alone and just
want to be held. i miss that. sometimes all i want is for
him to come back. i tell myself we could fix things, just
work hard and have open communication and things could
have been different. could they have? i dont know.
probably not. he said i was a slut and if i got raped he
wouldnt feel bad and not to come crying to him. all
because i kissed another guy, and james and i werent even
dating at the time, we had split up. how could he say
something so hateful if he loved me? i believe he was
doing drugs too, so he was lying the whole time. why wasnt
i important enough for him to be honest with? why couldnt
we have worked hareder at being together and making things
worse. maybe i just gave up too easy. maybe my brother
lied and james really hadnt been doing drugs behind my
back. maybe he honestly had given them up. DAMN IT. i wish
we could talk. even if only once. idont think i will ever
have closure unless we do.and i will keep repeating
myself. writing things like this, all the "whats ifs"
& "maybes"


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