Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
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2003-05-11 19:00:37 (UTC)

charades

accodring to chow: I'm
more adapt to your personality and you yourself than you
in
person. Sometimes i wonder who you are when i see that
girl. When i see you i wonder if that's really you. . Most
of the times it feels like you're not really there. .

hmmmmm more meandering thoughts:
who am i anyways and is my mind so different from my
thoughts. am i really that hypocritical, and whatever
answer i provide, is it true, or just lying to myself?

me, not really there
ah
jeeves
perhaps i am not. perhaps when i get around a myriad of
people i go far, far away into my own fantasy land and
have this little front that i show off to everyone else,
like an away message, just there, but not really THERE.
or at least, it certainly feels like it at times.

where is the "fun" anyhow.
although just because its not philosophical doesnt mean
that its worthless. just... different.
so im not really there, possibly (and im taking the time
to ponder upon it)

okay. maybe its my mask. theres a poem by someone, its
called "we wear the mask" and 'tis true, we do
so which one is really me?
when im at my wildest, doing whatever, saying whatever
(within reason) that is when i feel most alive, as well as
when im thinking and spinning and
hmmmmmm
mask mask mask
im just a silly little girl
i can play any role
i can be smart
i can be docile
i can be a warrior
i can be the athlete
i can be... whatever
and not even i know which part is truly mine.
but when i get around a lot of people sometimes i just
shut off. on and off, on and off, but where's the remote?

maybe im scared they see me
why?
hmmm
a proof.


if they see me then...
~they will see into me?
~they will see how horrible i am?
~they will know my secrets?
~they will steal my identity?
~i will have nothing special, to myself?
~who is a person without secrets?

maybe im just afraid that they wont see anything, cause i
am nothing
or maybe im afraid that
~theyll judge too quickly
~theyll laugh
~ill trip and fall
~theyll find my weaknesses and use them to rip me to
shreds.
who knows?
anything is possible.

either way, i do wear the mask, stuff goes inside but im
still smiling, saying "what a wonderful day" but is it
just a decoy

what the hell is this
my charade?
what a charade
what a stupid, stupid charade

if i am a charade, somebody shoot me, for ive even fooled
myself

Love,
~Jennifer~


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