I'm a girl, not a band!!!
2003-05-09 04:15:28 (UTC)

I Can't Think of a Good Title for This

There was a guy I went to high school with who I had a
really big crush on. We'll call him.....DB. I'm not ready
for names. Well, DB and I were friends and then we went to
our respected colleges freshman year and had fun flirting
online. We'd allude to sex and the like and it was
harmless fun.

He eventually found his way back here and met the "girl of
his dreams". I was sad, yes, but it was just a crush and
life goes on. He couldn't say enough about her. I found my
way here as well and on occasion we'd talk and catch up.

I don't really remember how it all started, but to make
this long story short(er) we ended up having sex. I was
the 'other woman'. It was alright I suppose, but the
excitement of having sex with an old crush waned very
quickly. But we ended up doing this often.

I kept wanting it to end, yet I was always willing to be
talked into it again and again. His girlfriend turned up
in one of my classes. It was just so akward and.....just

One night he asked me over and I flat out said no. He kept
cajoling me and finally pulled out everyone's
favorite "but I have had feelings for you for a long time
now...I just didn't have the guts to tell you" line. Yeah.
Well guess who fell for it. You got it.

I went over there and almost immediately we were having
sex. But I was unprepared for what was next....a video
camera. I said no and pushed it away and he kept saying
yes and I kept trying to stop and....well, you get the
picture. So now there is a video of me God knows where and
I was raped. I hate that word...rape.

"What?!" you're thinking. "~L! Did you go to the police
and have his punk ass arrested?" No, I did not. And I'm a
big proponent of standing up for yourself and not letting
someone do something to you that you don't want them to
do. But....it would ruin his life, my life even more, and
I just wanted to move on. I never understood that before,
rape victims who 'just want to move on'. I get it now.

I blocked him and haven't talked or seen him for awhile
now. Four months, five? He doesn't know that I'm upset and
so on. I don't even think he realizes what happened. But
I'm bringing all this up for a reason.

He emailed me early this week. I haven't written back yet.
I don't know what to say, what to do. It all came flooding
back to me and I do think that I had worked it out and was
ok with myself. No, I do not want to go to counseling for
this, and no, I don't want to tell anybody about it.
Except for you, obviously. Who ever you are.

This experience was one of the reasons that I will never
have causal sex again. It has to mean something to me from
now on. From the point that I left his apartment I vowed
to only have sex with someone I love who loved me. I don't

I just wasn't ready to hear from him. I don't think I'll
ever be able to again.