FloydianSlip

Going Postal
2003-05-08 00:35:28 (UTC)

All the things I wanted to say but never got the chance

Tomorrow is my last day here at college and I'm mourning
over my own stupidity. I didn't party too much or flunk
out or any of the stupid shit that a lot of freshman do.
I didn't wake up next to someone and couldn't for the life
of me remember who they were.

I'm listening to everyone say their goodbyes and talk
about their plans for the summer. Each person here has
their own desires, dreams, or something they want to do
this summer. It's a shame that I didn't take the
initiative to get to know them better.

I've said hello to someone that lives on my floor pretty
much everyday since school started and I still don't know
her name. She needed gas money to get home so I gave her
my last remaining $4 in change. I may have $1 in pennies
if I'm lucky, but I doubt she'd want those. Afterall,
what's $4 in change in the grand scheme of things?

I'm going to get a little personal so you can stop reading
now if you want to. It's kind of like the big red button
that they tell you not to touch. Even though they warn
you beforehand you're going to touch it anyway. They
should make a decoy button that doesn't do anything and
tell you not to touch it instead. No harm no foul.

Are you ready?

Here it goes:

It's that time of the month and I'm taking it pretty
hard. I've been battling depression since about puberty
so when it's that time of the month I usually get really
depressed. I haven't gotten this depressed in quite a
while though.

I've been going through real bad mood swings today ranging
from extremely happy to severely depressed. It's kind of
ironic that when I need someone to talk to the most no
one's around. Usually my aim and icq are flooded with
more people than I can shake a stick at, but the ones that
are on are either away or too busy to talk. I just
wouldn't feel right unloading myself onto someone who
lives here that I've had just a passing conversation with.
Yes, I do realize the irony of having an online journal
and talking about unloading on people that I barely know
if at all.

Usually it helps me to pop in a dvd or listen to some
music, but I've already taken my tv and cd's home so I'm
pretty screwed in that area. I'm left with my own
thoughts and that's a dangerous combination. Bad things
happen when I'm left alone with my thoughts.

One of my friends sent me a picture that she took of me
and my boyfriend. Normally I'd be doting on it
remembering the moment and thinking about things such as
the way he smells and smiles, but it's too depressing to
think about.

Usually it would be something that would snap me out of
this mood immediately, but today it's just one of those
days that depresses me further. It makes me remember how
happy I was in the moment and the way he makes me feel.
Instead of being glad that I have him it makes me sad that
he's not here.

I was talking on the phone to Ed last night and I had sent
the picture to him ealier that night. He said that he
normally doesn't say this, but he thinks my boyfriend and
I look like we belong together. That just melted me close
to tears because now that I've met Jeremy I couldn't
imagine living my life without him. People say it all the
time, but few rarely mean it. I do.

One of my other guy friends commented that he couldn't
believe how beautiful my boyfriend was. No he's not
gay...completely straight, honestly! I'm being serious
here. It's funny though because I can get another guy to
see how gorgeous my boyfriend is and I can't get my own
boyfriend to admit that he's even slightly
beautiful. ...What a world.

I've been reading over my boyfriends old emails to me
today and I'm pretty much his first girlfriend so pretty
much anything I do amazes him. I just hope that 20 years
down the road I can still make him say "wow" every now and
then.

I introdued my friend Sam to my friend Tal from Israel.
They're getting along really well. They've both thanked
me in numerous sexual favors for introducing them. Ok,
well not sexual favors, but they've thanked me a number of
times.

Can you keep a secret?

Don't tell anyone I said this but it looks like the
beginning of love and a long lasting friendship. Tal
starts blushing whenever I ask how's it going and she's
even started dreaming about him. They spent 8 hours the
other night talking online! That's a lot of hours! I'm
beaming with excitement, but I'm not going to get my hopes
up or anything...:)




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