clouded-ice

Four Rooms
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2003-05-06 22:54:01 (UTC)

Relatively... my life sucks.

Ok, so I know there are plenty of people who are FAR worse
off than me, but right now, my life sucks. Just when I
thought I was finally alright with me and Des not being
together, I learn I'm not. I mean, for a couple weeks now,
I've missed her, but last night I got depressed. It's
really hard wanting someone so much, wanting to just hold
them, and touch them, but not being able to.

This morning I was doing alright. I spaced out most of the
day, not sure why, but I did. I was pretty much under the
idea that nothing really mattered, not in a sad-depressed
way, more of an I-don't-want-to-do-anything way. Then I
got home and I started feeling the sad, depressed I-don't-
want-to-do-anything-because-nothing-matters-and-my-life-
sucks kinda deal. My life doesn't suck too bad compared to
a lot of people, but to me, it REALLY sucks.

I cried three times within the span of an hour, just
because I was thinking about Des, and being alone while
practically everyone I know has someone. I realized not
too long ago that I can't do the short-term "just-having-
fun" relationships. I need emotion. I need feelings. I
want to love and be loved. I want to be held by someone
who loves me. I'm a great guy, I'm not bad looking, I'm
sweet, caring, and I deserve better than being alone.

Another thing that's playing on my mind is the fact that
I'll be going to college. I have this dread that if I
don't find someone soon, I'll miss my chance, and regret
not fighting for the person I love. There's no one at
school that I'm interested in for a long-term relationship,
and I already know I can't do short-term. I don't know
anyone outside of school really, cause I'm shy and I have
trouble making friends, if they aren't willing to try.

In conclusion, I hate life and even though I would never
kill myself or harm myself (I hate pain immensely) I wish I
could just crawl into a hole and die right now. The only reason I'm
actually writing this is on the off chance that it actually makes me
feel better. I mean, no one ever reads this. No one outside of my
friends care about me. *Shrugs* that's life.

Um... yeah. Me.


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