Jams

Lesbian....Yes!
2003-05-05 09:17:27 (UTC)

20 Questions Anyone???

So you know how I have been doing the get to know Devon
thing? I came up with a few more questions a couple of
days ago and here is how it went. Enjoy!!!

From: Devon

Here goes....

1. Do you trust us?

Hm, well, I guess I trust you for as much as I know
you all. I'm not exactly the most trusting individual,
but that has nothing to do with you all as people -
it's just my way, although it IS something I've gotten
better about. I really don't feel like I have much to
hide, I just need to get better about putting it out
there with out being asked! ; ) That may just be about
breaking a bad habit, rather than trust though. I'm
sure that, as is the case with anyone, the more I get
to know you all, more I'll trust you. It's usually a
pretty gradual thing for me.


2. Who is the one person you can tell everything to?
My friend Jen from back home - she was my first
girlfriend and we went through a lot together - she
pretty much knows all my shit, so it's easy to be open
with her. Of course my sister and I are close. My
friend Ballard and I can have pretty open
conversations b/c I've known her since the dawn of
time.

3. What scares you?
I'm scared of not living life to the fullest - of
letting fear of something win out and missing an
opportunity for something wonderful (whether it be
love, or friendship, or just trying something new).
That's partially why I got my tattoo (it means
"freedom from fear"). I'd hate to look back on my life
and regret not doing something because of simple
fear...because really, in most cases, what do you have
to lose?
I'm scared to death of getting old too - not turning
30 - I mean of REALLY getting old. The thought of
being physically debilitated and alone scares the shit
out of me.

4. Are you completely happy with yourself?

Is anyone? We are our own worst critics and
unfortunately we live in a society that is constantly
telling us (ESPECIALLY women) how we could be better,
or how we're not good enough. It sucks. We feel bad
about our bodies, we feel bad for not being in a
relationship, we feel bad for not having a "good" job
and a "nice" car. It's a crock of shit. I think the
best thing we can do is have a little compassion for
ourselves. We all have faults and little things we
need to work on - so what. Acknowledge that, do the
best you can, and fuck everyone else who tells you
you're not good enough. When I focus on that (which
isn't always) then yeah, I'm pretty happy with myself.


5. Tell me something that we don't know about you at
all?

Hm, from what I can see, I've told you QUITE a few
things you don't know about me. : ) But here's one
more - I was the homecoming queen of my highschool
(probably shouldn't have told you that - like I needed
to further your girly-girl image of me!! LOL!).

I wanted to comment on some of the things you
said...so read on!!


1. I do not trust you all as of yet. To be honest you
are all my girls and my family but because I know
nothing about you all, I can't trust that you drop
everything when I need you to. I hope that one day
something will happen each one of you and myself to
bridge that gap because I do want you and the others
in my life for a long time, hopefully forever.
--This makes sense and is pretty much in keeping with
what I said. I hope we can ALL learn to trust each
other.


2. Well this question is pretty easy and I am sure you
know, but Maria of course. It took me a long time to
trust her as I do but now that we have a bond as
strong as we do, it is easy to talk to her about
everything. I like how I can tell her a story and she
knows exactly how I feel and why I react the way I do
to certain things. My gap was bridged with her when
she saw me at my worst and still came back.
---I'm so glad you have someone like Maria - you're
both VERY lucky to have found each other.


3. What scares me is not being who I want to be in my
life. Never falling in love at least once. Forever
stuck in this poverty rut and turning into my mom. And
clowns of course. LOL!!! What also scares me is that
the depression I seem to go in and out of over the
years may never go away. That maybe I will never
forgive and forget the things that have caused me
grief in my life and the people who were apart of it.

--What I have to say about 3, 4, and 5 is pretty much
the same, so skip to #5.....


4. Obviously no. I hate myself to be honest. I don't
love myself enough and so I will not be loved like I
want and it goes into a cycle. I like to push people
away when they get too close to see if they come back.
I don't like always being nice so I act like a real
jerk on purpose.

5. I am sure you can tell but I was heavily abused as
a child both sexually and physically and so it plays a
lot into who I am today. I am technically not a virgin
but I say I am because being raped as a child doesn't
really count. My body is nothing to me. I was told
never to tell and that if I did blah blah blah...So I
was a very quiet child and shy. I didn't allow anyone
to touch me and I always wanted to be under my mother.
It kindof still carries over today. Except I hate my
mother and I just got comfortable with being touchy
feely with everyone a couple of years ago.

--No, I didn't know that you were heavily abused. I'm
so so sorry honey. But knowing that and knowing your
situation with you mom brings me to something I've
wanted to ask you for a while. Have you ever thought
about going to therapy? I know...money. But I think
there are some REALLY low cost options out there -
they operate on a "sliding scale" (you pay what you
can afford). Sometimes as low as $20. Anyway, you're
so right that as long as you don't love yourself,
you're not going to be able to believe that someone
REALLY loves you, or even be able to love them in
return in a healthy way. I know you have a lot of pain
and I think that if you could talk to someone - even
every other week - that would be so good for you. I'm
a BIG proponent of therapy - I've been - and I'd love
for you to be able to go. I'd be happy to look into
some options for you...let me know.

Well, yet again, I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed our little
getting to know you session!!! Thanks for taking the
time to ask and share - it means so much!! I hope
you're having a pretty good day darling - see you
soon!!!

***********************************************************

She is such a sweetie, I swear. Well we got to know a bit
more about her on Friday night which was cool. My weekend
wasn't much but my sis, Chris and I saw X-Men 2 after
searching all night for a show. LOL!!! Good times.
Anyways, a thought about that night. Chris got a drunken
call from Naomi which she in turn got all excito girl and
wanted to leave in the middle of the movie to get ready to
see her and then pick up my sis and me.

I wasn't having it at all cause that is a crock of bull.
But that is just the background. My real thought is, will
I do something like that?? I mean seriously if I liked
someone as much as Chris likes Naomi and I was in that
situation, would I had of thought the same way??? I could
see myself doing it. Wanting so much to see this person
whom which I just had an intimate togetherness with.
Someone whom which I have shared some pretty intense days
with. Sure.

But would I actually just decide to stop in the middle of
everything for that person who has not shown much
attention to me in the past few days. Who was so nice to
cut me off after being honest with her and then tell me to
be "good"? I don't know. I am pretty sure I will. Cause
like Chris, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And will do
anything for someone special. Hm, makes me think more.

I need a clean sheet of paper....next entry please.




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