My Heart and Soul....
2003-05-04 20:52:39 (UTC)

Not doing so well...

Yea..so as you can tell from the title...I'm not doing so

I don't really know exactly what it is. Josh and I have been
fighting quite a bit. But we've been living together for two
months, and I think we both just need to take a deep breath
and relax. But that's not even the tip of the iceberg.

This time of year is always hard for me. The older I've
gotten, the harder it's become. Having to face the fact that
in just a few months, all of my childhood friends will be
scattered all over the counter, is not such an easy thing to
do. Don't get me wrong, I'm making sure to enjoy the last
few months we have toghether, but it's still hard. I found a
note the other day from sara, and she was bitching about
school, and people, and all that crap, and then she wrote
"only 4 more years of this to go!" I was nuts. I can't
believe that so much time has gone by. I can't believe we
are all getting so old. :-P

What else? Oh, I don't know. Maybe that I still have NO IDEA
what I want to do. I mean, I know what I want to do, but I
don't know if I can. I'm scared to death. I want to go to
Florida. Actually, I think it's come down to I NEED to go to
Florida. I know I can't stay around here. I love it, don't
get me wrong, but I need to go out on my own. But wow! I've
always had my mom there whenever I needed her, and all of my
best friends no more than a few minutes away from me. It's
gonna be SO hard to go to a place where I know one person.
I've been saying that for a long time. That's one of my
biggest fears in going away. I've had the same group of
friends, more or less, since kindergarden. Some of them even
longer than that. The ones that I haven't known that long,
have just been friends of my friends that I started hanging
out with. I have no idea how I am going to go out, and make
a whole new groupd of friends. And then, I look at my
sister, and I see that she made TONS of friends her freshman
year, but, what about her buddy's from home. Sure, she still
chills with them when she is home, but now she is starting a
whole new history with a whole new group of people. That
idea scares me (ok, it excites me too, but it does scare the
shit out of me.)

My other dilemma: Josh. I love him to death, I really do.
But I am not sure that I want to be with him when I go to
Florida. I'm not saying that because I want to go wild. I
just think that I have to do this for myself, and not have
another person to look out for, and to make decisions with.
I know how we are now, and everything that I do, I'm
thinking of him. I don't want the next 4 years of my life to
be about "Josh and Jenn". I want them to be about Jenn. I
said the same thing all through High School. I didn't want
to be with one person, and dedicate that whole life
experience to one guy. The same thing goes for this next
part. I'm not to the point in my life where I want to spend
the rest of my life with someone. Why is this a dilemma?
Sure, Josh will understand that decision, and he'll support
me 100%, but he has brought up marriage. Don't get me wrong,
Josh is a great, wonderful guy....but he's looking for a
life commitment, and a lot of the time, he acts like he's
sure that I'm the one he is going to marry and have kids
with. I can see maybe marrying him in a few years, once i
figure out what I want for my life, but I'm not ready to
settle down, and dedicate the rest of my life to someone. I
have enough to deal with being dedicated to myself.

Oh man. I've just been a wreck lately. I'm still trying to
deal with a bunch of real messed up emotinos about David. I
can't get over that pain. It's not that I want to be "with"
him. I just have these emotions, and pain, and they are just
as bad as they were the day we broke up. That's also not
fair to Josh. He's bent over backwards to be the best guy to
me, and I still have these fucked up feelings for a guy that
walked all over my heart. I know thats wrong. But I don't
have any idea how to talk to Josh about it.

I want to be 15 again. I decided that. Everything was easy
then. Before boyfriends started interfering with
friendships, and guys started breaking my heart. When the
most brutal thing I had to think about was making notecards
for Mr.Maciel, and my weekend plans didn't involve any
illegal substances. (don't get me wrong, I love weekends, I
just know how bad I get, and I have to admit, I had a lot
less to worry about when I wasn't drinking all the time)
Just to be 15 again, and know everything that I know now.
:- too bad it doesn't work like that.

Soooooo....I just need to hold on, and get my shit together.
Get off to Florida, and get working on my new life. I know I
fucked up pretty bad this last part of high school, and I
also know there is nothing I can do about it now. My mom
calls it my "self destruct mode". I've done it a couple
times before. I don't think about my actions, and I don't
think about the consequences. I just do things, anything, to
try to make myself feel better, no matter what the
repercussions might be. I hate that I do that, and I know I
need to stop. UGHHH

OK...i have to stop. Cause I just keep thinking of more
shit, and I can't deal with it all right now. I'm having a
good day today, and I don't want to fuck that up.

I love you guys. Thanks for still reading this. After 10
months of this, you've got some heart to still be keeping up
with me! I appreciate it! E-mail me sometime, or leave me a
note or something to make me smile, let me know you are
still in love with me!!!! ;-D ([email protected])


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