[T]

i cannot physically smile

eh why am i even writing. i know that was basically the
whole topic of my last entry, but alas, i am writing again,
with nothing to say.

i still feel like crap. how long has it been now? i have
melancholy like the shits. it really sucks. i can't be
happy. i try, but i just can't anymore. things that used to
amuse me don't anymore. i just can't smile. even if
something is humorous or worth smiling over, i just can't
anymore. i feel like a zombie again. indifferent and well -
i will say the word. SAD. I am SAD.

heh, and now i feel like a girl, because you never see guys
using that word. but i guess it's the only word i can use
to describe what i feel. i don't even get a break. i don't
laugh at anything or joke, i used to all the time, anybody
who's read through my diary here will know that. that i'm
usually the clown. but now i'm the freaky guy who is always
serious. i don't know which one is the real me. which one
is a mask.

i know i've talked about that whole 'who is the real me'
thing before, but it's coming up again. am i the happy
joking dude? or the creepy guy who lives in his one bedroom
apartment with blood stains on the carpet? (to all you new
comers who might be reading this, yeah it's true)

everybody left me. i still have online kei, and thank god
for that, otherwise, they all left me. and it sucks. i need
to talk to people, that's stuff i think about. i need to
talk to people, even if it's about stupid things, .. i just
have to interact somehow, and lately i haven't been doing
that, and it's been scaring me because the things i have
been doing.. and have done when i was alone.. i never want
to do again. nevermind scaring other people, it scares the
shit out of ME.

not much can scare me, but the things i've done to myself
and the things i'm seen do. taking the knife to yourself is
not healthy behavior. i'm either schizophrenic or have a
brain tumor. how nice.

i never used to have this cloudly feeling in my head, where
i can't see or walk straight, and i'll leave out words and
forget EVERYTHING. (i was going to get something, so i
walked into my room, but i had already forgotten, and
didn't remember till i walked back to where i was
originally) i wonder what it is. is it lack or sleep? too
much sleep? lack of food? but i do find that the craziest
shit happens either when i'm completely alone (having those
visions, blacking out) or fairly happy (at the time, with
tanis and what happened there). but doesn't that take care
of basically my whole life? damn..

yeah.. i don't know what i'm to do now. i just get up
everyday at glorious 6am and head off to work, come home,
and fuck around until i go to sleep again for work. i have
absolutely no life, but the way i feel doesn't let me have
one. i always feel sick, i can never think straight, and
all my co-workers still think i'm a retard because i'm
never paying attention when they talk, and my head is
always swimming with annoying dizziness.

i really.. really.. really.. hate being alone. i hate it.
i've been alone my entire fucking life, and it's just never
going to end. i'm going to be 'here' all my life.
the 'higher power' will not allow any different. i was
born, to be completely nuts. i believe it now. i believed
it before, but now i really do.

i wish i could just run. run away from all of this shit and
leave it behind. that the further i run, the more all of
this crap drains from my mind. but that ain't gonna work.
i'm stuck here. and not 'here' being where i live, but in
the state i live it in. no matter where i go, my head is
going to be pull of this crap. i don't like it. i don't
want it. but i have it.

guess i might as well end this. i've ranted on enough.

nothing is ever going to change. :(

[T]