caulfield

Exit from Reality
2003-05-03 04:06:43 (UTC)

suck a nut

last night, at around 3 oclock in the morning, i hear a
noise over and over again, i look out my brothers window to
see conner and karl standing behind a tree in my front
yard. they had been throwing rocks at my upstairs bedroom
window, while in actuality i was on the downstairs living
room couch (my favorite spot to sleep on the weekends). i
went outside to see what they wanted. they wanted me to go
with them to the park and get drunk. i was so tired, i was
just like, "uh what you talking about?" then they said they
had no alcohol. so i could go back to bed, i told them id
hook um up. i went into the house, got them a water bottle
full of vodka, and 2 mountain dews. then i gave it to them,
and went back to bed, unpeacefully.

i woke up, got in the shower, and sat outside for a while
reading, eating my orange, then carrots, listening to
cursive. andrew linde came over, and i convinced him we
should go to weaver lake park, so we did. we climbed the
red thing, which andrew used to be afraid of when he was
little. i put my feet in the water, while he watched, haha.
i was seriously splashing around, having fun in the fresh
cool water while he laughed at me. sweet november much?
then we walked around, and finally settled at an open bench
in the sun. we must have talked for like an hour about the
craziest shit. we talked about dreams, fucked up ones,
sexual ones, trippy ones. we talked about people at school.
we talked about sex. we talked about the effects of drugs.
we talked about how life was different in junior high
compared to now. we ripped on schulz and barth for talking
about abercrombies spring line in difference to the fall
line. we talked about college. we talked about lindes
internship and what he wants to be. we talked about making
a tape of us two getting it on, haha. we talked about our
separate theories. and about a million other things. that
has always been the one thing i loved about andrew, the
conversations never stop, never a dry moment. that kid
could talk about anything, haha.

i got home, and decided to get ready. shawn and josh wanted
me to come over, and i thought that would be the healthy
choice. i mean i should really get out, interact with some
guys that are just friends, maybe drink, have some fun,
more normal teenager style. so trav dropped me off at DQ,
and i was going to get a treat, then walk to shawns since
he lives so close. well the whole plan of me coming over,
was a sure thing for about 3 days, but when i called to
tell them i was on my way, josh is like, "uh right, well
we're in the car, we're not at shawns, i dont know when
we're going to be at shawns again? i guess just call him."
fuck you josh. i didnt know what to do, so i decided to
walk towards shawns and figure out my plans on the way. i
saw a cemetery, and decided to stroll by. i looked at some
of the graves, and although it was sad, it wasnt like tear
dripping sad, it was actually beautiful. the sun was still
high at 7, shining down on them, green grass and lots of
flowers provided by the ones that keep on loving them. id
like to think they were smiling. i sat by a tree for about
a half hour, and did absolutely nothing. i saw some kids
and a guy in a wheelchair playing basketball. ive seen the
wheelchair guy before, and im still amazed by his attitude
to still be active, to still be living, out and
interacting, i love it!

i then called loch, practically crying cuz i didnt know
what i was going to do. she told me to go to her house, and
hopefully be able to get in. so i walked all the way to her
house, noticed no one was home, and was ready to give up
all together, because nothing had been going my way all
night. but i decided to give a last effort and try the
kitchen door, in hopes of it being unlocked. it was (there
is a god). i went in, never feeling happier. it was like i
was truly home, even more home, then if i entered my own
house. i put in some cranberries, and laid on lindsays bed
for a while, still unsure of what the hell i was going to
do later. i realized that i didnt just go to lochs out of
desperation, i gravitated to that house, i went there,
knowing loch wasnt even home, because in a sence i knew
thats where i should be. its strange, odd, and to some
people fucked up, but i think its comforting. i waited for
the kids to get home. then i played with them; helped lochs
grandma give them a bath. i had a really good talk with
grams about nursing and going to college for it, which was
nice. then i put pjs on the kids, and read them some books.
my dad picked me up at 8:30. unexciting, non typical? yea,
suck it bitch, lol. id rather spend my friday night with
the 3 lil kids i love most, in a house i know better than
my own, staying out till only 8:30...then to try and catch
up with hutton and slovy all night just to end up sitting
at their house with some freshman girls all drunk.

i wont go into a huge paragraph on how i desperately miss
loch. but i would sure be a happier person if she was
talking to me right now. lifes a joke when shes gone.

ryan and i got in a huge fight today. he asked what i was
doing, i said going to shawns, then he said, "to have
another threesome?" and i went fucking off. god i cant
stand rumors and shit like that, and of course he didnt
believe me, and maybe he doesnt have to cuz i didnt believe
him when he cheated on me, but im still pissed. and why do
i care what he thinks neways? i know why. cuz he was my
boyfriend, and i miss having him always calling me, wanting
to see me, complimenting me, kissing me...uh it sucks, when
that just disappears. i dont like not having it. yes,
andrew and i will probably do stuff, but then he'll do stuff
with someone else, and ill end up feeling like i was really
nothing to him, just something to re-conquest, and ill get
sad, then pissed, and the process will start all over
again. like how chad said...we'll do shit, stop doing
stuff, hate each other, then talk later, and then get going
again, in full effect. i dont know if i really want to deal
with all that emotion, yet i dont want there to not be any
emotion, and just all sexual. maybe im confusing, but i get
it. uh, boys, they just fuck a sister up. no good no good.

im sick of all this shit, i hope i have a fucked up dream,
just so i can contemplate its meaning and see how it
effects my life, reassuring me of personal disturbance.

song of the day: empty by the cranberries

"something has left my life, and i don't know where it went
to, somebody caused me strife, and it's not what i was
seeking. didn't you see me, didn't you hear me? didn't
you see me standing there...say a prayer for me, help me
to feel the strength, i did. my identity, has it been taken?
is my heart breakin' on me? all my plans fell through my
hands, they fell through my hands on me. all my dreams it
suddenly seems, it suddenly seems, empty."

hotties
-andrew
-karl
-chad (memory of, obviously)




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